Three Jerks And A Scarecrow
by Lord Mendasuit
Summary: In which Team 7 contains an arrogant douchebag, an imitator and a robber, and they're not who you're expecting them to be. Inspired by every other fic with the same premise ever.
1. The Birth Of The King

Author's Note: This came to me while reading one of those 'Replace Team 7 with three known characters and scare Kakashi shitless' fics.

It was done entirely for my own amusement.

If you have to guess, it's the character's base nature AND the nurture they were given in this universe. Nature VS Nurture exists, and Nature is just slightly stronger in this, enough to enable Team 7's resemblance to the people I'm inspiring them from, but not enough to make them exactly the same as those characters. They have it within them to become like the three jerks I'm drawing, but without the appropriate experiences in life, they won't become exactly like them.

Conversely, their experiences in life directly relate to how they turned out the way they did.

* * *

_**Enter The Scarecrow**_

Kakashi was having fun.

Normally, his antics only ever inconvenienced the Hokage, and that wasn't a very nice thing to do, something that he knew very well. Mostly because Sarutobi was threatening to forbid Jiraiya's masterpieces from being sold in Konoha. Normally, he wouldn't have feared a threat like this, as Sarutobi was an avid reader of Jiraiya's work. However, the old Hokage was smart, and thus had figured out why Kakashi didn't fear his threat.

Therefore, he simply told Kakashi that he could have Jiraiya deliver him a single copy which he would then keep for himself. Therefore, he'd be able to remain reading the guilty pleasure that was Icha Icha and still keep Kakashi from reading it ever again.

Kakashi was a very patriotic man, but he was seriously considering smuggling Icha Icha into Konoha just for that.

Regardless of his musings on his favorite book, today he was happy.

Why, you may ask?

Because he had a genin team! Now, most people wouldn't be happy at something like this, as a genin team was a burden that few jounin truly wanted. They put a huge damper on your personal training since they tend to take the majority of your time and they also mean less higher-ranked missions that pay more.

As an Elite Jounin, Kakashi had absolutely no reason to train as there was no further rank he could be promoted to other than Hokage (a title he did not want) and he was plenty strong already, even accounting for the decline in his abilities following his resignation from ANBU. Another of the perks that came from being an Elite Jounin and Ex-ANBU is the pay.

He was not a miser by any means, but he was also someone who spent very little money. He did not have any hobbies that required a hefty investment (the one that required money required only a negligible amount of it), he owned his house, he didn't spend long enough inside of it to merit hiring any services he'd have to pay for and most importantly, he had cheap taste in food as well.

This all added up to the point that his bank account had funds comparable to a clan head's. Had he decided to invest, he'd probably become one of Konoha's richest men in a very short time. Well, assuming his investments paid off, that is.

So the position of Jounin Sensei carried absolutely no downsides to Kakashi. It was basically paid holidays for him.

The most important upside to the whole thing was that he was getting a genin team, namely, three immature little kids who thought they were ninja. They were utterly adorable when they were trying to be serious! All of them simply lacked the ability to understand just how far down the ladder they were.

His favorite hobby was annoying the crap out of his potential genin and, while at it, maybe hammer a lesson or two into their cute little heads. If he were lucky, they'd get it before time ran out and he'd get himself a group of brats with potential. If things went as they usually did, they'd fail epically and he'd continue coasting through life as he had the last few years.

It might have been startling, for most people, to see the famed Copy Nin of Konoha walking through the main street while humming a merry tune on his way to the academy. Kakashi failed to give a damn about it as he did, though.

* * *

_**Enter The Jerks**_

It did not take Sharingan No Kakashi long to find the classroom that housed his students. It was the only one with a fist sized hole in the door, after all. He turned the knob and walked in, taking a few steps. That was odd.

He had expected some sort of preemptive reaction, such as someone, or maybe even all three of them, yelling about his lateness. Maybe he'd been earlier than he expected? His internal clock dictated that it'd been three hours since the time he was supposed to meet them in.

He scanned the classroom and quickly found the three that were to be his team… all sitting on different corners of the room.

To the far right, way at the back, was a pink haired girl dressed in a silken red dress shirt and black pants that seemed to also be made of the same material the shirt was. Given the obvious wear they showed, they seemed to be quite resistant, as they sported no appreciable damage other than the signs of age.

Her pink hair was tied into a surprisingly thin and very long braid. He mentally noted the practicality of doing so, though it could easily be grabbed and yanked. She was slouched over three chairs, one leg on the desk and the other on the chairs, both arms being used as pillows while she slept.

Given the muscle tone that they sported, Kakashi found himself doubting they were a very comfortable pillow, but then again, she seemed to have no problem sleeping.

Minus points for lack of awareness.

Pink hair and a tendency to wear red… that must have been Haruno Sakura, the civilian-born Shinobi of the group. Well, a few mistakes from a civilian were to be expected, and they were nothing he couldn't work through. Her practical choice of dress (up to and including flat shoes instead of the prevalent sandals) was another plus.

All in all, acceptable.

Front and center was the class' Rookie Of The Year. Black hair in a messy arrangement of spikes was the first thing that greeted Kakashi until the boy lifted his head and focused the solid black eyes characteristic of the Uchiha on Kakashi's uncovered one. Despite appearances, the boy seemed wide awake.

Bonus points right there. The Uchiha was wearing a simple brown jacket that seemed to be made of leather or at least reinforced with it… though a quick glance after a slight movement (only enough to get a simple peek, from the boy straightening up) revealed that the insides had many, many pockets, and that there was a sizable pouch strapped to his waist.

Uchiha Sasuke had it all. Situational awareness, a practical outfit (many hidden pockets are always useful) and the abilities to fly well over the rest of his peers in terms of abilities. Startling, considering his particular situation, that he would be doing so well, particularly since he was the only clan heir in the class that did not have a clan behind him, yet he had outmatched all of his peers.

Finally, Kakashi's eyes rolled to the back and left, to the furthest corner of the room on the side of the door. Bloody red stared right back at him and Kakashi had to resist the urge to flinch just from that alone. That smirk was entirely misplaced in the face of a child of twelve. This one was Uzumaki Naruto, a child who, considering his circumstances, had grown in a quite… interesting way, to say the least.

In contrast to his teammates' practical choice of dress, the Uzumaki had gone for a white button up shirt and black slacks, as well as dress shoes that clashed horribly with the ninja life. Clearly, Uzumaki must have thought this was a formal event or something. His blond hair was spiking up in random directions, making a pretty good imitation of thick blades of grass.

Unlike the other two, who applied themselves to their work, he was a slacker like no one ever was. He outright refused to obey any sort of authority and to do anything that he did not wish to do. He also refused to stay for detention and was quite frankly a nuisance.

If he weren't who he was he would never have been able to get away with being like this, he'd have had his ass booted out of the Shinobi Program very long ago. He was, however, too important and valuable to be forced to be a civilian. Therefore, here he was, passed despite having the outright worst academy record imaginable.

"Hmph. You're late." Uzumaki said, slowly, the words rolling off his tongue as if he were speaking to a servant. Kakashi found himself disliking him almost immediately.

The entire analysis of his team had taken him an entire ten seconds.

"Hm… My first impression of you three is…" He began, rubbing his chin, looking for the right words to express his thoughts of his team. "I got shafted." He said, finally. "Meet me on the roof in five." He said, before his hands met and, in a blur of movement and leaves and a poof of smoke, he was already out of the room.

* * *

_**Totally Not What I Expected**_

Well, they'd shown up, at least. With a minute to spare, even. Normally, teams got here one or two minutes later than five, which wasn't all that much of an issue, really, since they couldn't be expected to reach the roof in less than that (the ninja academy was a winding, labyrinthine place designed specifically so that people had a hard time going through because it had originally been intended to be a huge building meant to be used to train already experienced Shinobi).

Not entirely too shocking, but still nice to know that they could move, at the very least, fast enough to avoid getting killed because they couldn't run away before the enemy caught up.

The blond grunted and instantly sat down, somehow managing to set himself on a dignified slouch on a bench. Kakashi let that one go entirely, he didn't even want to question how it was possible to begin with.

The pinkette sat down next to the blond, her posture indicating her readiness to stand up at a moment's notice. She seemed to be perfectly alert. Maybe she'd been simply resting her head instead of asleep? If so, he might have to reevaluate her.

The Uchiha sat in a similar fashion, though considerably more relaxed than the Haruno.

"Okay, now that we're all here, I think you should introduce yourselves to everyone."

The blond raised one eyebrow, but did not voice a question.

The Uchiha frowned and looked at Kakashi intently.

"… So what are we supposed to say?" Sakura asked, sounding bored.

"Oh, you know, the usual. Your name, likes, dislikes, hobbies, dreams, that sort of stuff." Explained the silver-haired man. "Why don't you go first, Sakura?"

"Sure." She said, shrugging. "My name is Haruno Sakura. I like Taijutsu and dislike uncute tomboys. And cats. I hate cats. My hobbies are training and fighting. My dream is to be the best Shinobi ever." She said, nodding to herself.

"That's nice. You there, broody?" He asked, pointing at the Uchiha.

Sasuke frowned for a second before stealing a glance towards his blond teammate. "My name is Uchiha Sasuke. I like legally appropriating things and dislike entitled idiots. My hobbies are secret and my dream is to save my clan from extinction."

Good enough, Kakashi guessed. Better than if he were to dream about finding and killing his brother, who was widely thought to be one of the most powerful Shinobi out there. His S-rank at age 15 was not something to joke about at all. "Okay, then, blondie."

The blond merely sneered at Kakashi. "You will address me by my name, mongrel." He began, clasping his hands together and resting his elbows on his knees, somehow turning his slouch into a calculating man's posture. "I am Uzumaki Naruto. I like many things and dislike imitators, fakers and thieves. My hobbies are collecting anything that interests me. I don't have a dream, nor do I have an ambition. It is merely a task I set for myself. I will claim this world as mine!"

"... Okay." Kakashi said, shrugging. "Anyway, you're still not genin yet, there's still another test you must go through before you can officially start taking missions."

"We know." Sakura stated. "Ino told us."

Kakashi scratched his chin. "She did, huh." He said. Well, sometimes, taking too long can have adverse effects on the shock value of your secret test. "No matter. Just meet me tomorrow at five sharp, training ground three."

* * *

_**More Than I Bargained For**_

Kakashi blinked… everything was blurry. He blinked again, and he could vaguely see a white background as well as two shapes. He heard something in the far off distance, but it seemed to be travelling through water to reach him. He could barely decipher the words.

"Hoka… He's… up…"

He groaned at the pounding headache that developed almost instantly from prolonged exposure to the outside world and closed his eyes once again, trying to will it away.

"Can… hear… stand…"

The jounin groaned once again. "Wha… what happened?"

No, really, what happened?

He had to do a quick recount of the last few things he remembered. He was going to training ground three because he had to test his team today. But that's where his memories ended.

"Can you understand me?"

The voice had finally come in clear and Kakashi let out another groan. He opened his eyes to see the worried, and quite wrinkly, face of the Hokage himself, Sarutobi Hiruzen. "Urgh… Loud and clear… what happened?" He tried again.

"Finally!" The medic snapped. "We were fearing you had brain damage."

Sarutobi glared at the woman dressed in white, who quickly scampered off. "Nevermind that. I can tell you what happened, I was observing your test with my orb." The man dressed in robes stated. "To put it simply, you underestimated your students and got your ass kicked, Kakashi. I took the liberty of passing them, since they showed teamwork when they were kicking your ass all over the training field."

A sudden intake of breath accompanied a surge of memories. The jounin winced. "There were… so many swords… So many weird techniques…" He said, shivering. "You've got to save me, Hokage-sama! I won't survive with this team!"

"Nobody would, Kakashi." Said Sarutobi, frowning. "You're the only one who can do this."

"Dammit, I'm going to die!"

* * *

_**The Hellcat Meets Its Match**_

Kakashi focused on one thing and one thing only. Getting the goddamn job done. D-Ranks were a necessary evil. Normally, he'd enjoy the hell out of forcing his genin to do menial tasks, but right now, he was doubting his ability to enforce them into doing said menial tasks. "Think of it as a training exercise." Spoke the silver haired Shinobi. "It's all about capturing a target without killing it."

He sent them off to retrieve Lady Shijimi's pet cat, Tora the Hellcat, known to be as ferocious as the Niibi itself. He did not choose to accompany them.

Minutes later, he'd learn how big a mistake that was when Sasuke returned with the cat in hand with absolutely no explanation where it'd come from. The cat seemed to be perfectly unharmed and attempting to hide itself in Sasuke's arms. Minutes later, a Sakura came in, hiding behind Naruto.

"I hate cats." She clarified, when the room looked at her weirdly. Well, the people in the room, at any rate.

The blond boy was entirely too different from what most people were used to. He tended to wear classy, if impractical, clothes, that always managed to be pristine. Right now, however, he was wearing what could only be called rags that might once have been a shirt and pants. He was also waving a very long and, from the sound it made when it cut the air, VERY sharp weapon around as he walked.

It was a long and ornate double edged, straight sword that was in gold, blue and black. Its design was unlike anything that Kakashi had ever seen and he decided he'd have to inquire about it some other time.

There was also a noticeably pleased smirk on his face. "I have found a worthy opponent in this dump." He explained, noticing Kakashi's wary glance.

Minutes later, the cat was back in its owner's suffocating hands and Team 7 walked out of the mission office a D-rank richer. Kakashi could've sworn that he caught sight of Lady Shijimi's gaudy purple purse out of the corner of his eye, but that was silly.

It wouldn't be until the Hokage openly told Kakashi that he was never allowed to let his genin team take another unsupervised mission ever again that Kakashi would be shown the aftermath of Tora and Naruto's mano a paw battle.

* * *

_**Stations Of Canon**_

"I refuse to do any more menial chores!" Naruto said, stomping the ground so hard it actually shook.

"So do I!" Sakura piped in, looking, if at all possible, even more pissed than the conceited blond.

"I don't. These are quite lucrative and simple." Sasuke stated, narrowing his eyes at his teammates. "Plus, we have a working system here. I take the decisions since I was voted the leader of this team."

"As if, mongrel!" Snarled the blond.

"Yeah, we never voted on that." Sakura added. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"Oh, this." Sasuke said, producing a document from one of his jacket's inner pockets. He unrolled it and showed the four signatures at the bottom.

"Those are obviously forged." Sakura stated, her voice and face deadpan.

"If you guys will stop making a scene, I will give you a C Rank." Umino Iruka, the man manning the desk, spoke.

"Just give us the damn C Rank." Kakashi said, rubbing the bridge of his nose as best as he could, considering that most of it was covered.

"Okay. Bring in Tazuna!" Iruka yelled, ignoring the bickering Team 7.

A very clearly drunken man walked in. "Hhn… This is my protection detail!?" The man slurred, which caused Team 7 to freeze on the spot. "They're a bunch of brats! That blond one looks like he's going to some high class party rather than battle! That one's a little girl and the other one's a wannabe cool guy!" He pointed at Sasuke and then at Sakura, respectively.

What can you say? He's drunk as shit. To him, Sasuke's girly face might as well be a girl's and Sakura's incredibly flat chest might have as well as been a boy's.

Kakashi felt his palm impact his face before it actually happened. "Oh, yes, this mission is off to a great start…" he said, as he moved to intercept whatever his team would throw at the client.

* * *

_**Consequences are Many**_

"I'm sorry for yesterday, I was super dunk." Tazuna informed the three genin.

"The words of a mongrel have no effect on one such as I!" The blond informed him, smirking in that way that irritated the hell out of everyone he met.

"You will have to sign a written apology." Sasuke informed him, providing said pre-written document and a pen. "Sign here… here… and here too." He said.

The startled man quickly signed the apology, believing it to be enough to appease the young genin who would safeguard his life. He followed the black haired genin's directions up until the boy snatched the scroll away and quickly rolled it up.

"You're an idiot." Sakura informed him, palming her face. "Didn't your parents teach you to read what you sign?!" She yelled, crossing her arms and glaring at the startled bridge builder.

"W-What!?"

"All your house are belong to us." Sasuke informed him, curtly.

"… You son of a-"

"Hi team! Ready to go?" Kakashi cut him off.

* * *

_**Just Two Days 'Till Retirement**_

The demon brothers had been expecting an easy mark.

When Sharingan Kakashi became visible, they decided not to sweat it and to just take him out first. In the case that they couldn't, they'd just make a run for it. They had the element of surprise and there was the simple fact that Kakashi wouldn't stray too far from the client.

At the most, they'd have to deal with the genin if they pursued, and that would be a very one sided fight indeed.

The problem was that they didn't know that it would not be their side that had the advantage.

Kakashi was quickly replaced by a long which was subsequently shredded. They had very little time to pull this off and then run before Kakashi came back from wherever he Kawarimi'ed to.

With this job, they'd finally have enough money to pay their debt towards Zabuza and they could finally retire from the entire Missing Nin business. Maybe they could move to some quiet place where nobody would look for them, like the Land Of Rice Paddies or something.

Meizu wanted to find a pretty girl and settle down, maybe even have a little girl he could spoil rotten and who would have boyfriends he could threaten into good behavior, while Gozu was thinking about setting up a trading caravan, maybe see the entirety of the elemental countries. He'd always wanted to visit Yugakure's hot springs, which were said to be heavenly.

There was simply too much riding on this mission to fail now, and they both knew it. They had a debt of both honor and money to the Demon of the Bloody Mist, who had not only saved their lives from the hunter ninja that had almost killed the both of them, but had also managed to teach them enough of the ninja craft to fend for themselves despite the life of a missing nin being as dangerous as it came, although they had indebted themselves as they did not have money to pay for his tuition.

They'd sworn themselves to his service until he needed them no more, and if this mission was a success, they would be done working for him. As much as they respected Zabuza, there was absolutely no doubt that he was a slave driver both in terms of work and training, satisfying though either might be.

The Demon Brothers formerly of Kirigakure No Sato rushed for the genin who was at the front of the client, expecting him to be an easy target given how he was simply standing still in a position that irradiated confidence despite his dire situation. Meizu already wanted to wipe that damnable smirk off his smug face.

This kid couldn't possibly know the dangers of Shinobi life. Surely, he was the son of some noble who wanted a ninja in his family or something. He would wound him enough to frighten him off Shinobi life forever and perhaps send a message to the idiot who enrolled such a ridiculously conceited child in the most brutal military in the world.

In a puff of smoke, the boy was holding a long shaft that ended in a wicked, black scythe, though he was holding it in his right hand, which made it so that the tip of the blade was touching the ground. The blond lifted it to waist level and then let it drop, which caused at least half of the blade to simply disappear in mid air, the air around it seemingly rippling like water.

Meizu was about to laugh as he prepared to cut the blond until he felt very cold in his stomach and was stopped dead in his tracks. With his final breath, he planned to warn his beloved brother about the deadly attack he had suffered, but when he lifted his head to look at him, Gozu was stopped cold by a simple straight punch that knocked his re-breather off. The sheer force of the boy's run had almost caused his neck to snap when he had been abruptly stopped.

As life left Meizu's eyes, he could only scream in sorrow at his brother's fate when the pink haired bitch unleashed a stream of fists with speed and precision unrivalled even by Haku at his best.

By the time he was accepting the sweet embrace of death, he saw the black haired genin rifling through his pockets and muttered a soft "Fuck you…" before he passed on.

* * *

_**Failocracy**_

"And that's basically it." Tazuna finished.

"We're cancelling this mission." Kakashi said. "We aren't getting paid to deal with this and who am I even kidding, what do you guys want to do?"

"I say we help them." Sakura said. "They're under the rule of an evil tyrant." She said, showing that, for her, that was enough justification. "Plus, I've heard that the fishermen from Wave are the best at Fishing Rod Bojutsu." She added.

Kakashi figured she'd be in for something other than simply freeing a country.

"This mission's now B ranked, right? That means you'll have to pay us a bonus when we finish." Sasuke stated, rubbing his chin. "We'll discuss a payment plan in my new summer home." He said.

"… I super hate you." Tazuna mumbled to himself.

It was then that everyone turned to the boy in the classy clothes. He sported a wider smirk than usual, one that spoke of some plan that would be either incredibly amusing or incredibly self gratifying. If he said no, they'd go back, but if he said yes, they'd continue on.

Kakashi's vote had been cast already and in case of a tie, they'd go with the option that did not end with Kakashi having to call them in for insubordination. "So… what's your condition, Naruto?"

"Wave must declare its subservience to me. I will defend my land." Naruto stated.

"You know what, fuck it, I don't even care anymore. Sure kid, I'll convince the people of Wave to accept your rule if it gets you to help me save my country from Gato's metaphorical chokehold." Tazuna stated. "Though I can't promise they will." He added.

"Oh, they will." Naruto stated, grinning in a terrifying manner.

* * *

_**In which a Demon gets in WAY over his head**_

A sword came whistling through the air, its form a black disk from the sheer velocity with which it spun. Anything that was caught in its path would be cut with no mercy, as the sword had countless times in the past. It was specifically designed to slice through flesh with minimal resistance. Even if it were to strike handle first, it'd most likely pulverize whatever it struck.

So it came as a complete shock when it was stopped not by the tree that it was intended to stop at, but rather by the soft hand of a little boy that could be no older than twelve.

"The fuck!?" Zabuza yelled, seeing the weapon stopping to a complete halt without moving its current wielder even an inch.

"I like this sword. I shall keep it." The blond boy who'd caught the weapon said.

"Oh hell no!" Zabuza yelled, diving in to drop kick the blond before he could do anything with the weapon. However, in a shimmer of light, the air rippled and then the sword was simply gone. No puff of smoke signifying it was sealed inside a scroll, nothing at all.

It was with added rage that Zabuza dropped down on the would be thief, only to find himself staring at the jade green eyes of a pink haired girl of about the same age as the boy… who was currently driving a leg into his torso, making him spit blood as he flied through the air, away from the blond.

Zabuza yelled several obscenities as he landed in a heap and got back up.

"You owe me one, Naruto!" the pinkette called as she made a perfect landing.

"That mongrel could not have hoped to touch me." The one Zabuza supposed was Naruto informed her, crossing his arms over his chest. So he was a mongrel, then!?

The missing nin from Kiri was incredibly pissed. Here he was, trying to make an awesome entrance that they'd remember for their entire lives (which, if they were smart enough to give up the mission, would presumably be a little longer than this fight) and maybe impart one or two pearls of wisdom on how the world of Shinobi really works, and what does he get as thanks?

A jackass steals his sword and a little girl kicks him so hard that he was seeing stars even a full minute after the kick.

With a loud growl, he began to go through the long sequence of handsigns that would herald one of his strongest jutsu, the Suiryuudan or Water Dragon Bullet. That is, until he felt something very cold touch his back and the following sting of a cut as he leaped forward. "Dammit!"

The third one had somehow appeared behind him and had almost run him through with his weapon. He was in serious shit now. Kakashi, he could take. These three brats? This was ridiculous! No brat should ever be this tough! Even Haku, who was pretty strong for the standards of people his age, was not this ludicrously good at being a ninja.

To sneak upon him! HIM! The supreme master of Silent Killing!

That took serious skills!

Regardless, he had to engage Plan B and GTFO before they decided to finish him off.

He braced himself for the effect of the two senbon that went through his throat after he gave the signal. The last he saw was the same kid that had almost killed him earlier approaching him to check his pulse. If he could, he'd have allowed himself a laugh.

Kill-stealers were incredibly annoying, and at the very least, he felt like he'd managed to annoy them this way. A small victory in an epic defeat.

* * *

_**Consenquences Are Many, PT 2**_

"Oh, they're working together, no doubt." Sasuke said, nodding.

"How do you know?" Kakashi asked, looking at the Uchiha dubiously.

"They have the same surname on their IDs." The Uchiha pointed out, lifting said IDs. "Momochi Zabuza of Kiri and Momochi Haku with no known affiliation. They're in the bingo book, too." He said, opening a copy of the most recent bingo book and showing both Zabuza and his 'unknown affiliate'.

Kakashi immediately reached for his own bingo book, which he carried in one of his vest's pockets, to corroborate this fact… but when he tried to, he found his pouch was empty. He glared at the copy that Sasuke held for a few seconds before letting it go. It'd be pointless to dwell on it even now. "How do you have their IDs?"

"I stole them from their pockets before the hunter escaped."

"Hm. You have to teach me how to do that." Sakura remarked.

Sasuke turned to her. "Your entire extended family couldn't pay for a lesson." He said, voice even and calm.

"Welcome back, father." The soft voice of a well spoken woman cut through the silence generated by their expectations upon reaching the Bridge Builder's house. Well, the silence had been broken by Sasuke's appraisals of his new summer home, but you get the point.

"Wench! Prepare a feast fit for a king!" Naruto bellowed. "For it is none other than the first King of the Land of Waves that you serve tonight!"

Kakashi blinked as he saw the woman's confused face.

"We have to talk." Tazuna said, looking at his daughter in the eye.

"Father… what exactly did you have to do to hire these ninja?" Asked the black haired adult woman, glaring at her father. "And why did that boy just call me wench? And what was he talking about?"

"Lady, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to vacate the premises of my new summer home." Sasuke said, standing up to her.

"Wha- What!? This is my house! My family has lived here for generations, I'd never sell it!"

Tazuna began sweating bullets. "Like I said, we have to talk." He added, looking not unlike a deer faced with a semi's headlights.

* * *

_**Consequences are Many, the payoff**_

"So, let me get this straight. You lied to the ninja to get a cheaper team." Tsunami began, her voice loud, clear and very, very stern.

Tazuna meekly nodded.

"Then, when things went south and they were about to cancel off the mission, you sold our house to convince them to keep you safe!?"

"Uhm… no." Tazuna admitted, sheepishly.

"He gave me this house as an apology for offending me and my team before the mission's official start." Sasuke informed her. "Here are the legal documents, stamped and approved by Lord Hokage, that signify the legality of this transaction." He explained, fishing in his jacket for the scroll that he gave Tsunami.

"He conned me! He said it was a written apology!" Tazuna defended himself.

"And you didn't even read it to check!? What an idiot!" Tsunami nearly yelled, feeling an overwhelming need to slap some sense into her father right about then. "At least you didn't sell out the kingdom to another dictator…"

"Actually…" Tazuna began.

"Oh, now what did you do?" Tsunami asked, frustrated.

"I kinda agreed to help convince Wave to accept Naruto here as its new Daimyo." The elderly drunkard spoke.

"I am no mere Daimyo! I am Uzumaki Naruto, and I will be the King of this entire continent, and then, the world!" The blond spoke, smirking in that infuriating way that had Tsunami wanting to slap the daylights out of him.

"Couldn't be worse than Gato." She said, shrugging. "At least you didn't sell our secret Fishing Rod Bojutsu techniques. Those are priceless and the only reminder I have of Kaiza." Tsunami said, her voice having a little relief to it.

"… About that…" Tazuna began.

"Oh for fuck's sake!"

* * *

_**Indentured Servitude**_

"Your cuisine is not half bad, wench." The incredibly irritating blond menace spoke, stalking into the kitchen much like a predator would into the lair of a small, furry and delicious creature. "Alas, it is held back by the ingredients and utensils that you use in its preparation."

Tsunami frowned. She'd had to endure the blond little boy's words for the entirety of their lunch, because he had a comment about everything. The wine, which he had said was comparable to bottled salt water and the furniture, which he'd called boring and tasteless, had been the two biggest complaints he'd had upon entering the house that would soon not be hers anymore.

"If you hadn't noticed, all I had was my house and now I don't even have that." She snapped, irritated at his overly proud and entitled demeanor. Normally, she tended to be a much more patient and soft spoken woman, but this boy simply drove her up the wall with unprecedented ease. "So excuse me if I'm a little short on high quality ingredients."

"I see that, wench." The boy said.

"Can you stop calling me that? I have a name." She informed him, her voice snappy as she did.

"Prove to me that your name is worth remembering and I will address you as such." The blond explained.

"And how would I go about that?" She asked, sarcastically.

"Cook me a feast fit for a king. I shall be magnanimous and lend you the utensils and ingredients that the finest chefs would give their lives for. Impress me, wench, and perhaps your life might have an unexpected turnaround."

Tsunami blinked. And as she did, her kitchen was flooded with golden containers of all sizes and shapes. For a fleeting moment, she wondered just what the fuck was going on.

But then… if this boy had enough money to have such a ridiculous amount of golden kitchen implements which he carried around everywhere (She didn't question them appearing out of nowhere, Ninja could do freaky stuff), then… then if she impressed him, she might find herself a job with which she'd be able to maintain her family afloat!

* * *

_**Crawling inside my skin in Lincoln Park**_

"Inari, you're home. Come give your grandpa a hug." Tazuna spoke, smiling as his grandson trudged all the way to him and gave him an awkward hug. "Say hi to the crazy ninja, Inari."

Inari turned around and looked at the ninja from under the brim of his hat. "You're all going to die." He informed.

"Well, yeah, eventually, everyone dies." Sakura replied. "So what?"

"No, you will die right here… when you try to confront Gato you will all be killed." The boy continued, emoness positively oozing out of him. "He's too strong… nobody can oppose him…"

Kakashi blinked, then he turned to his team. Sakura stepped forward, when her eyes met Kakashi's, which prompted the silver haired teacher to stand back and enjoy the show.

"Listen, brat, you're just a coward who's too afraid to fight." Sakura said, looking not unlike someone who was not in the mood to deal with this bullshit.

"You don't know anything! You lived a happy life away from all trouble! You know nothing of suffering!"

Team 7 did the first thing they did as a whole team. They began to laugh. And they laughed hard. "Kid you have no idea." Sakura informed him. "Of the four of us, I'm the only one who has parents. At all." She began. "You have a loving mother who's an excellent cook. I met mine about four years ago and I've been trying to reconnect with her ever since. Wanna know why? Because my father is an incredible asshole who stole me as soon as I was born and dragged me all around the elemental countries to force me to train in the harshest conditions for the entirety of my life so I could inherit his martial arts style." The pinkette began. Then she turned to Sasuke. "I'll pay you later, I got nothing on me." She said.

Sasuke nodded. "I'll make you a loan for a good cause. I'll cut the interest rate by half, even." He said. Sakura whistled at hearing this, it was evident that this kid irritated Sasuke something fierce if he wanted so bad to tell him of his story, even ignoring the possibility of profiting from it as much as he usually did.

"Sasuke here had loving parents, just like you, up until four years ago. Then his brother went crazy and killed almost everyone in his clan and forced him to relive it constantly for three days with a ridiculously powerful illusion." She said. "And that's not the worst, but the rest costs extra and I don't have that much money."

The boy began to sputter a protest. "And what about him, then!?" He finally managed to get out. "He's all happy and smiling like nothing could faze him!"

"Hm, you're referring to me, child?" The boy asked, turning to him.

"Yeah! You're dressed like a noble! You couldn't possibly understand suffering!" The boy cried.

"Hm. Your pathetic attempts at verbal assault amuse me." The blond began, punctuating this statement with a loud chuckle. "To be entirely honest, I never knew my parents. I left the orphanage at age three because I was too awesome to live there and I have been living on my own ever since." Naruto informed him. "Everything I have, I earned by working my hands to the bone many times."

It was then that Tsunami broke the tension by approaching with a golden tray upon which sat a great bird of prey now turned into the family's dinner.

* * *

_**Enkidu**_

The next morning, Team 7 dispersed in the forest, each with the intention of finding a quiet place to relax and or train in private.

Naruto found a particular clearing that was devoid of life save but for a few flowers and herbs that dotted the edges of the clearings. It was then, when fully alone, that he began to go through the motions of training and self improvement. It was a very simple reason why he did not train in the presence of his teammates.

He refused to show weakness to anyone, as simple as that. He was not weak and he would not allow anyone to claim otherwise. That whole tree-walking thing that Sakura could do instinctively both intrigued and brought trepidation to Naruto, who found himself incapable of managing a task so simple that Sakura had gotten in one single try.

No task was beyond him, however. Even if he had to work from dawn until the sun set behind the horizon, he would master this exercise and prove he was better than the thieving mongrel and the stupid imitator.

Even if he would never show himself training to anyone, to give the illusion of his power being all natural, he would never stop doing so and would never be satisfied with his strength. Not until he was the absolute most powerful man in the world. Just as he had stuck to reading as many books as he could so he could find more creative ways to insult people. Just as he had studied the rules he had to abide by in school to abuse each and every loophole he could find. To many, he might seem the epitome of natural genius.

To a precious few, however, he was the epitome of constant hard work.

He slipped from the bark and mentally cursed as he found himself succumbing to gravity's pull, heading his way towards the ground. He was not high enough to somersault so he could land on his feet, so he landed rather painfully on his back. He did not whimper, nor did he moan, as he lay in the ground gathering his bearings.

"That look like it hurt." A soft, too soft, voice spoke, and Naruto found his eyes captivated by the vision of beauty that appeared.

A smirk formed upon his face and he saw the figure in front of him blush, lighting up like a lamp post, under his attention. "What say you we have a little fun, my little Hunter?"

"Oh my!"

* * *

_**WRESTLE! WRESTLE!**_

It was not until long after that they sat, both spent, covered in a thick layer of sweat and bruises. "I thought you meant something else." Haku said, giggling.

"Perhaps I might." Naruto said, chuckling as he did. "It is, however, exhilarating to find someone like you, much more so in a place like this, devoid of entertainment as it is."

"Ara?" Haku began. "Someone like me?"

Naruto nodded, but did not further elaborate.

"You don't mind that I'm working with your enemy?" Haku asked.

Naruto smirked. "I couldn't care less." He said. "As a matter of fact… I long for the possibility of us meeting in true combat to the death… Until then, let us test our strengths…"

Haku giggled again. "You're weird." He stated, smiling. "But it's a nice kind of weird. You're the first friend I've ever had and I'm glad that it's someone like you."

The Konoha ninja's face was now sporting a winning smile that would have melted the heart of the renowned Ice Queen of Konoha. "I can be so much more, my boy… It might have been the beauty of your face that caught my eye the first time, but it is the beauty and purity of your soul that interests me so…"

"Hm? A pure soul? That's the first time I've been told that…" the fake hunter nin spoke. "I'm nothing but my master's tool… a pure soul only makes me worthless as a weapon."

"My Hunter, you will learn that I have quite an eye for value and you are quite valuable indeed."

"Hm, you think?"

"Oh, yes, I do. Why, I'd go as far as calling you one of my most prized treasures."

* * *

_**Wrath Of The First King**_

Gato tapped his cane against the floor. "You were planning to betray me just for your toy, Zabuza. I'm disappointed… or I would be, if I hadn't planned for this and brought along an army with which to skip the whole payment thing."

Naruto looked at the body he cradled in his arms. "Why… Why did you…"

The arrow that had gone through Haku's chest was still stuck there, stemming the blood flow and keeping Haku alive for longer, stopping him from bleeding out. "B-Because… even if… I was only a toy to you… I loved you…"

"I would have survived. A simple arrow would never be enough to fell one such as I!" Naruto boasted, though his voice lacked its usual strength and presence. It seemed dull. "It wouldn't have harmed me, you know this, so why…"

"I… I don't know… My body… just moved on its own… I guess…" The once-masked hunter spoke, raising one hand. "Please… before I die… I want to…"

"You're not going to die." Naruto said, holding tightly onto the weakly held up arm, resting Haku's body against his legs. "You will live. I promise. Even if I must fight Death itself, I will wrench you from its jaws!" He said, his voice having a tinge of desperation to it that had the rest of Team 7 reeling back.

"I… I'm going to die…" Haku said. "The arrow… was poisoned…" He said. "Please…" He began, tears threatening to spill from his eyes as he looked into the blood red of Naruto's eyes. "Save… Zabuza-sama… My King… do your Hunter one last favor… Save him… As he saved me… all those years ago…"

As Haku's eyes closed for one last time, the sky thundered and lightning struck in the vicinity. Water began pouring from the sky.

"You were an innocent… pure as the whitest snow… The world will mourn your loss as I do." Naruto stated, his voice solemn. "You were taken too soon by people unworthy to even walk the same bridge as yourself…"

"Huh? What sudden rain…" Sakura muttered, looking around. She had pulled an umbrella out of nowhere (probably a sealing scroll) and was holding it up to stop the water from hitting her. "The sky was clear just a minute ago…"

Abruptly the water began to get colder and colder, until it suddenly stopped… to be replaced by the falling of white little droplets of frozen water. Snow.

"H-Haku… Are you…" Zabuza said, groaning as he tried to drag himself to where Naruto still lay holding onto the boy's body.

The blond stood up and began walking towards the man who could only manage to look up. "Hold onto him for me." He ordered, his voice solemn and completely flat.

Zabuza did his best to sit up against a few boxes that had escaped being crushed and accepted the body. Being already soaked from the brief but powerful rain, he didn't even notice the water running down the blond's face.

Naruto began walking until he faced Gato's entire army, which had been wondering just where the hell the climate change had come from. He estimated it must have numbered in the few hundreds, at the very least.

"Mongrels… trash… None of you are worthy of any of my treasures… but you… you dared take away one of the King's beloved possessions. You dared to try and steal something dear to me." He began, his voice carefully flat and yet ominous at once. "For this transgression, I declare that your punishment shall be eternal damnation!"

Naruto raised his hand to the sky, and in a flash of lightning and a ripple of air, there was a strange, conical object that might have paced for a lance, had it a tip, in his hands. It was seemingly composed of three separate segments of a strange black material interrupted only by strange red lines that glowed brightly against the darkness that had consumed the bright day.

"Rejoice, trash, for you shall be the first to witness my greatest treasure! Know now that not even death will save you from the Truth!" He prepared himself as if he were to stab the air with it, and a keen eye would have noticed that the three segments had begun to spin, generating friction as they spun in opposite directions. Sparks of red energy flowed from his weapon. "Enuma…" Naruto trailed off.

"GET HIM YOU IDIOTS!" Gato yelled, frantic at the sight of the ridiculous amount of energy.

"W-What… what is this power!?" Kakashi yelled. "Is it the Kyuubi!?" he said, his voice much lower, lest his students hear him. "It can't be!"

Naruto stabbed forward. **"ELISH!"**

And then Gato was no more.

* * *

_**Sour Moment Of Crowning**_

"People of Wave… I give you our savior, Lord Uzumaki Naruto."

It was then that the people of Wave rose as one and declared their unification under the One True King's rule. Yet for all the cheer of the people, most would notice their King's somber mood.

* * *

_**The Return Of The King**_

"Naruto… are you okay?" Asked Sakura, looking slightly concerned over her teammate's sour mood. "Hey! Earth to Naruto!"

"Leave him be." Sasuke said. "He'll get over it with time." He stated, turning to Tazuna. "You're coming with me to Konoha. I need an architect for a project and you owe me enough to cover it several times over."

Tazuna whimpered, but said nothing, as he continued to eat the ridiculously elaborate meal fit for a king that Tsunami had prepared for the farewell of the ninja.

Sakura happily accepted a bunch of scrolls from a reluctant Tsunami. "Take good care of them, okay? These were my husband's most prized possessions…" the housewife said.

"Don't worry, I will! I will master these in no time!"

Kakashi however was not happy with simply leaving Naruto to stew on his own. He pulled the chair next to Naruto's back and sat himself next to the blond. "It hurts, doesn't it? To lose someone you care about."

The Uzumaki didn't answer, merely brought a piece of meat to his mouth and chewed slowly, savoring the meat.

"The pain never fully goes away. The guilt never does, either. Trust me, I know." He said, looking at the plate Tsunami set in front of him. "But there's nothing we can do but stand back up and keep going. Ultimately, we need to accept that sometimes, shit happens and things just don't go our way."

"No…" Naruto mumbled. "I will not accept it." He said, narrowing his eyes. "I will never allow this to happen again… I won't ever allow anyone to take one of my treasures ever again…"

"You can't protect everyone all the time, Naruto, and you can't protect them from all the dangers of everyday life." The silver haired jounin said, his tone one of understanding and kindness despite his usually lazy drawl having been present at first.

"You can't. A human can't." Naruto stated, his voice carrying conviction comparable to the unyielding strength of steel. "If I have to do it in order to protect all of my beloved treasures… Then I will become a god!"

"Good luck with that." Sasuke said, snorting.

"The last guy I met who wanted to be a god got smacked around by an eight year old girl. Granted, that eight year old girl was me, but you get my point." Sakura said, deadpan.

Tsunami had remained quiet in the background, listening to the entire exchange. "Very well, then, my liege. I believe I speak for the entire country when I say that we shall support you in this endeavor." She said, falling down into a kneeling position.

"Um…" A sudden mumbling cut through the silence generated by Tsunami's solemn speech and actions, which prompted her to stand up again so she could see over the table. From the door that lead to a hallway that lead to the stairs to go upstairs, Inari's head peeked out. "Is… What I heard… true?"

"Yes, Inari." Tazuna began. "The events at the bridge are true."

The little boy rushed into the room, crying big fat tears, to hug his grandfather. "It's finally over… Gato's finally gone!" He yelled, crying into his grandfather's stomach.

"And it's all thanks to him… he wiped out Gato and his army with just one attack…" The bridge builder spoke, causing Inari to sniff and turn around to look at Naruto.

Then he walked around the table until he was right next to his mother. He looked at her for a few seconds before getting down on his knees and imitating the most respectful gesture he'd ever seen before. "Thank you… Thank you for everything…"

"Do not thank me, Vassal. The land of Waves belongs to me. It is one of my treasures and I refuse to let a mongrel such as Gato get its filthy paws on my property." Naruto stated.

"Please, My Lord, teach me! Teach me how to become brave and strong like you! So that I can protect those I care about, too!"

Much to everyone's shock, Naruto, who had so far foregone contact with anyone, placed a hand upon Inari's shoulder. "Strength comes from within, boy. The strength of your will and of your soul… That is not something that I can teach you. That is something that you must find on your own. Know this and know this well. There are many examples of bravery that you could follow. Those who face immense adversity and refuse to just lay down and die… Learn not from me… Learn not from my team. Learn from those who did not have the power we hold and still fought, tooth and nail, for their country. Learn from the few examples of humanity that prove that its existence is worth something." He spoke, his eyes focusing on the housewife and the old man who had enabled the liberation of wave in the first place.

"My Liege…" Tsunami began.

Naruto, in an uncharacteristic display of good will, patted Inari's head. "There is strength within you… It's up to you to draw it out."

"Naruto… you…" Sakura began, looking thoroughly shocked.

"I can't believe my eyes…" Sasuke spoke, rubbing his eyes. Then he began rubbing his ears. "I can't believe my ears, either."

"Hm?" Naruto turned to face his teammates, who were both quite obviously shocked. "What is it?"

Kakashi then patted Naruto's own head. "You know, Naruto… Maybe I'll throw my support behind your ambition, too." He said.

Naruto slapped his hand away. "Don't overstep your bounds, vassal." He said, though there was no real force in his words and his face sported a genuine smile instead of one of his usual conceited smirks.

* * *

That's all I wrote.

This is just part 1 of the intended trilogy taking place in the first part of Naruto.

Naruto: Gilgamesh, King of Uruk, King Of Heroes, a mixture of his pre-corruption and post-corruption selves. Not truly arrogant enough to match up to his post-corruption self and not manipulative enough to be his pre corruption self. Naruto became arrogant because he's better at everything than everyone else. There's no one who can truly match him in one on one combat. There's also no one who would pay him any attention. However, instead of deciding to become the world's bitch so he could get its attention that way, here he decided that the world wasnt worth it and thus he became an arrogant, self centered prick.

As you can see here, Haku is the first to ever become one of Naruto's precious people, just as easily as he did in canon, though for entirely different reasons.

Sakura: Ranma Saotome, jerkass hero and martial arts genius like there never was. Ranma is somewhat heroic, but still a jerkwad, this translates to Sakura being bitchy but not violently tsundere. She wouldn't punch Naruto here, she'd beat him down with words before it came to blows. Her backstory is actually not all that dissimilar to Ranma's, though her father, Kizashi Haruno, was a better teacher than Genma was (though he still put her through training that would break most people). She can learn other people's fighting styles just from watching them fight using it.

Her chapter, the next one, will show what her life's like, her relationship with Ino and, more importantly, his relationship with Lee and Maito Gai.

Sasuke: Prince Thief of the Elves. This will make a lot more sense once I get to Sasuke's chapter, particularly when I fully explain his backstory and motivations. Suffice to say, the Uchiha Clan Massacre did not happen the exact same way as it did in canon and Sasuke has his motives for doing what he does. He can steal anything that is not bolted down AND on fire. Even things that aren't really there. He's also got the single most overpowered ability in the entire fic series as one of his Mangekyou's abilities, but that's neither here nor there.

Remember, there's a reason for everything and I'm not fond of bashing Sasuke no matter how terrible his character became after becoming a plot device.

First is The Birth of The King, Naruto's Chapter.

Second is The Konoha Wrecking Crew, Sakura's chapter.

Third is The Eighty Brats Theater, Sasuke's chapter.

The 'sequels' are not yet planned, though they might focus more on the world's reaction to the 'Three Legendary Brats' as they're called in-universe.


	2. The Konoha Wrecking Crew

**The life and times of Sakura Haruno**

Sakura Haruno was not a very nice person. This much was known by most of the people she hung out with. It wasn't that she was evil, that she was a complete bitch or anything like that. She was simply a bit selfish and a bit bitchy. She was also slightly disillusioned with human beings after having met the scum of the earth on more than one occasion.

The very most she would do for her father is admit that, even if he had been a colossal jackass to her, the man was a morally upstanding guy. Just a gigantic idiot. She didn't like explaining how much her father sucked because she also knew for a fact that she had inherited many of his bad traits.

Then again, those had been a necessity to survive, since her father had a tendency to exploit 'weaknesses' as he saw them.

Being a not nice person, Sakura did not have many people she could consider friends. She did have one real friend, that being the 'uncute tomboy' Yamanaka Ino, who would of course act like an innocent girly girl in front of everyone and only show her true colors whenever she and Sakura got into their usual heated arguments.

She was also absolutely certain that no matter what the Uchiha jerkass said, there was absolutely no unresolved sexual tension between them. She swore up and down on that, and there was absolutely no way she would touch Ino's shapely behind with a ten foot pole.

She slapped herself and cleared her mind. Not the time to focus on images of Ino's butt.

Talking about her team, there was also her team in her circle of friends. A very loose definition of friend, that was. She wasn't really fond of any of them. Kakashi tended to be very distant and to simply watch how disasters happened from the background. The man was also a terrible teacher who'd thrown his hands in the air and told them to have fun while they should've been training.

This lead her to the other two. The Uchiha was nothing like how his fangirls described him, though Sakura chose not to digress on explaining why she hated the specimen of the human race known as fangirls. He was, to put it shortly, a jerkass.

A handsome jerkass, but no less of an asshole for that. There was also the fact that he had shamelessly left an entire family homeless, somehow managed to extort insane amounts of money from an entire country, stolen a man's life work right from under his nose and then somehow managed to turn a pretty much doomed company into an actually flourishing company.

Somewhere along the way, he'd also managed to steal the hearts of every young girl in Wave. That one had been entirely unintentional.

Then again, he did have reasons to do what he did. They weren't enough to justify such a ridiculous extent, though, which made her still dislike him despite his legitimate reasons. Then again, he was still somewhat reliable and a decent sparring partner. Insanely efficient on a mission, too.

It wasn't all bad.

Now, her other teammate?

That's a different story.

Uzumaki Naruto was, in as few words as she could put it, frikkin' impossible.

During their tenure at the academy, he had been very distant and cold, rarely, if ever, choosing to speak to his classmates to do anything but put them down. Heck, he made it a point to send people's self-esteem all the way down the drain with every word he said. He didn't seem to ever actively verbally assault her or Sasuke, but she hadn't ever figured out why.

Maybe he simply pounced on weakness.

She didn't recall him commenting on anything other than laziness when it came to Shikamaru, either, and he had only scarcely if ever done that much. Shino had also been suspiciously absent from his insult gallery.

And it was funny to note that despite his rather cold and callous attitude, Naruto managed to be popular. Not in the academy, mind you. Not with the civilians, either, no.

Naruto was, for some weird and obscure reason, obscenely popular with the Shinobi population of Konoha. Sakura was completely dumbfounded on that one. She herself had been popular during the academy due to her strength and no-nonsense attitude that the girls admired her for, but him? He hadn't done anything, to her knowledge, to be that popular.

Heck, the few times they'd taken missions together, Naruto had been unfailingly impolite and as callous as ever. Yet kunoichi turned into blushing, blubbering wrecks from having his eyes upon them and even shinobi could be seen blushing under his stare. That, and she'd seen just how smitten that boy had been back at the bridge.

It had also been the first time she'd seen Naruto angry. As well as the first time she'd seen him explicitly care about someone. She wasn't certain she wanted to see him quite that angry again. Whatever that thing he had used was, it was certainly no jutsu.

She knew that he had all sorts of ridiculous things stored in that vault of his, but that thing definitely took the cake. Whatever it was, it had simply erased two hundred people from existence.

Their last mission, the mission to wave, had opened her eyes to the fact that maybe he was actually human after all, instead of just some sort of thing that looked like a human but was clearly beyond humanity's ability to comprehend. An eldritch abomination composed of rudeness, if you will.

He'd still gone and done something ridiculous by taking over a country simply by declaring himself king and having none defy him. The thought was simply mind blowing. How, exactly, did one manage to be so ridiculously charismatic?

And where did he get all those wonderful toys, anyway? She wasn't one to be fond of weapons, but she knew an incredible weapon when she saw one. And his were all incredible. She wouldn't stop to analyze how he could reproduce their effects through Kage Bunshin, but she did want to know where they came from.

All he'd said was that they were his property and that was that.

Far as he knew, he was an orphan who had no one, so there was no explanation as to how he bought or obtained them. Or how the hell he managed to live in a ridiculously nice penthouse. She'd been there and she'd been stomped by the undoubtedly grand decoration that he had chosen for his home. Nothing less than the best, she assumed, for one who considered himself above the rest.

Then again, Naruto had once admitted that he had worked himself very hard to get where he was. Someone as ridiculously powerful as him could have many ways of obtaining money, and it'd be silly to think that the Hokage wouldn't have let him be a ninja if he'd asked to be. She had lost far too much faith in humanity to think that anybody would deny him anything by this point.

Sakura absolutely hated sparring with him. He was faster, stronger and tougher than he had any right to be. He didn't train, so why was it that he could move faster than her? She herself was a speedster, this kind of fight should have been in the bag. The only thing bridging the gap and allowing her to remain in the field with him was her vastly superior skill, but even that wasn't that big an advantage when he kept pulling all kinds of different weapons that he couldn't have possibly prepared beforehand.

It also didn't help that he had a tendency to just stand back and throw clones of the weapons in his vault instead of engaging in melee range. That was the reason she'd wanted the fishing rod Bojutsu techniques. With some luck, she'd be able to use them to counter his ranged attacks by bringing him to her instead of going to him.

After all, her father had always said that if she came upon a technique or style she couldn't defeat, she'd have to find one that could defeat it. And that was exactly what she had planned on doing. That blond jerkass wouldn't know what hit him!

Then she'd force him to answer just where the hell he'd gotten all those cool toys!

(INSERTBREAKHERE!)

**Kakashi does not get a break**

Sakura's eyes narrowed. "You cannot be serious with this."

Sasuke's smirk widened. "I am." He informed her. "Whether you accept it or not, I am still this team's leader, and I chose this mission, so we're gonna take it."

"When did you even get the scroll?" Kakashi asked, raising one eyebrow.

"I stole it while Iruka wasn't looking." The Uchiha informed the silver haired jounin, shrugging as he did. "They really should pay better attention to the mission scroll piles. Anyway, we have our mission, so let's go."

"Naruto needs to be here for us to embark on a mission, Sasuke." Kakashi informed him, his tone and face perfectly bland.

"Who cares?" Sakura said, shrugging. "He's bound to be really busy with the Land of Waves' government and all, and I'm always eager for a vacation."

"This mission's for two teams to take, anyway. I technically have the authority necessary to go through the mission without Naruto, but we still need a second team." Kakashi said, shrugging. "So unless you can find one…"

Sakura then sharply turned and narrowed her eyes, before she smiled and waved. "Hey, Ino, over here!" She called, directing a small smile in Kakashi's direction. She saw the man let out a long suffering groan.

"Hi guys!" Ino called, waving at her friend and her team. "Asuma-sensei, here they are!"

"Good work, Ino." The bearded jounin said. "Kakashi, I've got to talk to you."

"You'll do it while we walk, then." Sasuke said, nodding. "We're heading up north."

"Congratulations, Asuma, you just ruined my day." Kakashi said, groaning.

(INSERTBREAKHERE!)

**The King and I**

Sakura sighed. "Yes, Ino, he really did take over a country like that."

The blonde then huffed, blowing the bang that fell on her face away. "That jerk… He's always doing this sort of thing, isn't he?"

The pinkette nodded. "He's unbearable, at times." She admitted. "But I think that deep down he's actually a good guy, even if he's as irritating as an entire army of you."

"Hey! I'm not even a millionth as annoying as that jerk is!" Ino said, almost growling at Sakura as she folded her eyes and looked away. "Anyway, why are we heading north? Sasuke demanded payment for the mission's details."

"Beats me." Sakura admitted. "Apparently, a town up north has problems with pirates and we're going to clear them out. If I know Sasuke, he probably chose this mission on the off chance that they might have a hoard he can steal."

Ino sighed, as she continued to walk behind Team 7's kunoichi. "How is your sensei? Mine's so lazy that I haven't even learned anything since the academy!"

The pinkette laughed then, causing the blonde to glare at her. "Much of the same." Sakura said. "I think Kakashi-sensei doesn't like us very much." She said, in a rather low tone.

"That's not a mystery." Kakashi called from the front of their formation. "I really, really don't like you guys."

Asuma chuckled. "You should be a little more patient with your genin, Kakashi." He said. "Anyway, this is your first C Rank Mission, and we're going with a team with slightly more experience than us, but that doesn't mean you can slack off, Shikamaru."

Said Nara groaned, looking around the perfectly flat expanse of soft grass to either side of the road. All he wanted to do was lie down and watch the perfectly formed clouds overhead.

"Come on, Shikamaru. At least Naruto isn't here." Chouji said, knowing full well that the blond boy would most likely be dispensing insults for everyone at this point, or even worse, he'd be hurrying them up because he refused to slow down to the pace of 'mongrels' as he called them.

"Yeah, that's a good thing, I guess."

Sakura groaned. As did Sasuke. As did Kakashi. As did Asuma. As did Ino.

"What?" Asked the chubby boy, looking around.

"Why did you have to do that?" Kakashi asked, running his hands through his spiky silver hair.

"Seriously, I thought I'd taught you better than to tempt fate." Asuma lamented.

"Are you two idiots or what?" Ino asked, frustrated.

"Everyone knows that when you say that things could get worse, things immediately get worse." Sakura continued.

"And now that you've said it, we can be absolutely certain that Naruto will show up sometime during this mission."

"Correction, I'm here now." Stated a new voice, sounding much more amused than it should. "Now, I wonder, what is it that brings you to the same lands where I find myself wiping out a group of imbeciles that had the audacity to attack my land?"

"Well, you might as well tag along. We're gonna go kill some pirates. You in?" Sakura asked, shrugging.

"Of course, mongrel!"

"See what I deal with every day?" Sakura asked, turning to Ino, who had a bright blush in her face.

"I'm… kinda jealous…" she admitted, drool coming from the corner of her lips.

Sakura raised one eyebrow. Then she noticed the fact that Naruto had not closed up the buttons of his shirt and thus his chest, which seemed to be chiseled in a way that no child of twelve should be able to. There were also noticeable blood red lines traced on it, but it didn't detract from the sight at all. If anything, they enhanced it.

"… Hm. You are virgins." The shirtless king said, smiling in what had to be contempt, yet seemed to be nothing like it. "Do not glance upon the magnificence of the King, lest you be tempted." He said, smirking at the two girls who rapidly shook their heads.

Asuma rubbed the bridge of his nose. "How do you deal with this every day, Kakashi?" the ex-guardian asked.

"Lots and lots of porn, Asuma." The elite jounin admitted shamelessly.

(INSERTBREAKHERE!)

**Bling!**

Sakura sighed as she felt Ino properly tie up her braid. Some asshole had tugged on it in such a specific way that it'd come undone and, due to a curse inflicted upon her a long, long time ago, her hair had grown uncontrollably. This left her with a waist length braid now, but she wasn't going to cut it yet.

She needed her mother's assistance to deal with her hair, annoying though it might be to ask her.

Turns out that Sasuke's intuition had borne fruit. The pirates had recently attacked a couple of high-class cruisers that they'd managed to extract incredible amounts of treasure from. He'd promptly emptied the pockets of each and every single pirate that had been killed, as well as any jewelry they happened to be wearing themselves. He'd taken at least ten pounds of gold from the captain's piercings alone.

Regardless, the pinkette didn't feel like taking the gold. She had enough cash to live with and her mother had her own job if she wanted to get money for herself. So she'd passed on grabbing a portion of the loot.

Naruto had almost done the same, except for a particular pair of solid gold earrings he'd picked up. It was surprising, really, as he'd always been the kind of guy to take anything he wanted. Maybe he just didn't see the golden finery's value, or he simply didn't like it. Who knew? He was weird.

The earrings he had picked had been a pair of solid gold squares he'd instantly stuck to his ears. Apparently, he only wanted pure gold, since he'd passed everything with jewels in it.

Sakura wouldn't ever wear jewelry. It was simply too much of a weak point in her profession. She had known of few martial artists who chose to wear anything of the sort, and they were all masters who could get away with it because they were too strong to be threatened by the downfalls of their fashion choices.

Sasuke, as completely expected, had discreetly been shoveling the biggest parts of the loot into unassuming scrolls. She let him do as he pleased. Better he take from pirates than he take from those who actually needed the cash.

Thinking back, she briefly wondered if the people he'd left homeless were okay. She knew that the woman had been hired to work for Naruto and was thus in Konoha being his housekeeper, but she hadn't seen the architect since Sasuke took him to the Uchiha Compound.

Going there was a fate she didn't wish on her worst enemies, really.

Regardless, Ino turned around. "I think you should leave it this way. Long hair looks cute on you, and your hair is really amazing, Sakura." Ino said, smiling widely. "I'm jealous, really."

"Of course you'd be. My hair is a curse, Ino." The pinkette said, sighing. "Literally."

"Yeah, yeah." Ino said, waving her concerns away. "Anyway, I've gotten better! Sensei left us a lot of free time, so I had time to train myself! You won't beat me so easily next time! In fact, I will kick your ass!"

"Tche, last time you couldn't even touch me, piggy." Sakura said, glaring at the blonde.

"That's because I was too busy staring at your forehead." In truth, Ino had been distracted by other things, but that hadn't been it.

Sakura flicked Ino in the forehead, causing her to yelp in pain and then glare at her old friend.

(INSERTBREAKHERE!)

**Pyromaniacs**

Sakura wasn't certain why the Hokage had just thrown up his arms and let them get away with such a blatant disregard for protocol. But he had, and that was all that mattered. Really, just how the hell could Konoha function when the Hokage was so willing to throw away any and all pretense of strictness after the justification of 'A Wizard did it'? It was seriously ridiculous.

As she began to walk down the street that led to her favorite training ground, a particular little clearing bordered with bamboo walls and enough equipment to train a Taijutsu expert, she spontaneously threw herself to the ground on a roll, just as a blur passed where she would've been, had she continued walking.

She jumped back, a second blur came forward and dug itself onto the ground. "Hi Gai-sensei. Hi Lee-kun." Sakura said, her arms blurring forward as she caught an incoming fist and turned around, using the momentum behind her opponent's attack to flip him around and slam him against the hard packed dirt harshly. She jumped five feet up, seeing yet another blur pass where she'd been, a pair of legs she easily recognized. "You've gotten faster, Lee." She absent mindedly commented as her opponent completed the spin and brought his hands up in a standard, but practiced to perfection, stance.

Sakura herself, merely jumped away from Lee and began cracking her neck. "I've been itching for a good fight for a while." She admitted.

"Hello, my beautiful flower!" Lee said, finally. "I would've greeted you sooner, but I had to assess if your flames of youth had diminished in your prolonged absence from Konoha!" He stated, his volume cranked up to the limits of what one would call indoor voice.

"Hello, Sakura-san! I see that your flames of youth have not dulled in the slightest!" A taller version of Lee, his sensei Maito Gai, spoke, giving her a glinting smile and a thumb up. "I am sorry to drop this on you so suddenly, Sakura-san, but would you accompany us for our afternoon training?"

"You kidding?" Sakura said, smirking.

Both Lee and Gai smiled very wide smiles. "May our flames of youth burn brightly today!"

(INSERTBREAKHERE!)

**Down For The Count**

"Rough day?" Asked Sakura's mother.

The pinkette mumbled a response that might have been a 'yes'.

Haruno Nodoka was what one would call a MILF. Despite approaching her forties, she was still every bit as beautiful as she'd been no less than twenty years ago. And that's all I've got to say about that. "You should eat something, then." She said, placing a plate of something that she might have been able to identify, were her brain not overtaxed from exhaustion already.

Heck, she barely had the energy to swallow.

Nodoka smiled and patted Sakura's head, watching her daughter shovel the food down the gullet. "Your father came by yesterday."

Sakura made a gurgling sound that might've been a 'wha?'

"Dropped this off." Her mother said, showing her a scroll. "It'll only open for one of his blood, that means you. Can't be anything too important, if he didn't think it important enough to deliver in person." The woman said, shrugging. "Didn't even stay long enough to fu-"

Sakura let out a loud whine.

Nodoka let out an exasperated sigh. Sometimes, she wished she'd gotten a boy. A boy who would be rude enough to not mind the talk of sex. Then again, she didn't know that all children found the thought of their parents having sex disgusting. She was an orphan, you see. "Anyway, you should go to bed early today."

Maybe Sakura would've heard her if she hadn't already faceplanted into her plate and gone off to dreamland surrounded by the remains of her meal.

She dreamed of more innocent times. She dreamed of times when she was following along her father just for fun. When she was enchanted by every new technique that he would show her. When she soaked up his praise and cherished every word about her progress. When she still could respect her father. A small smile graced her face, as the happy memories played in front of her.

Nodoka let a similarly small smile blossom in her own face, and anyone who'd seen their expressions could've seen their family resemblance, regardless of the obvious difference in hair and height. She picked up her daughter and carried her to her room, putting her to bed after carefully stripping her of her sticky, sweaty training clothes.

She sighed, as she looked at a cracked picture hung in the wall of her daughter's room. In it were all three members of her family. There was a very noticeable crack that ran down the middle, cutting straight through the body of the then-infant Sakura, that divided her from her husband. The husband that she still dearly loved.

The man was a missing nin.

A missing nin with orders to kill if he resisted arrest. He wasn't even important or strong enough to warrant capture. Sometimes, it hurt knowing that both herself and her husband were so horribly expendable. But she knew better than to dwell on those thoughts.

She knew better than that because both she and her husband had chosen to raise their daughter to be the best there ever was. To become important and invaluable to Konoha. To become the best shinobi there has ever been or will ever be. And to think that the dreams of the parents that spurred Sakura ever onwards had been born from fear for her life being wasted... Hah, that'd be a fun day.

Maybe some would wonder why she was still loyal to Konoha, knowing she was ultimately expendable in her eyes, and why she didn't defect to a village that valued her more. And she would give them a simple answer.

She was a Konoha Kunoichi and she had known right from the start that she could be told to go on a suicide mission for the sake of Konoha at any given time. She had no delusions about her ultimate fate. Oh no. But she was also a mother, and a mother always wants the best for her child. So did her father, as well.

Sakura said she hated him, and it broke her heart to see her like that. It broke her heart to hear her say those words. But... It had to be done.

For her own good.

It wouldn't be the first time that Nodoka would endure pain for someone else's sake. Nor would it be the last, most likely. But she was certain she'd never be quite this willing to suffer for anyone else's sake. It was amazing, really, what one could do for their children. Perhaps that was the reason why the Hokage had never even bothered to send Hunter Nin after her husband. He had to have known their ploy from the start.

"Hm... Namikaze-sama knew... Maybe he left records..." She mused, as she cleaned the dishes from her daughter's pre-bed snack.

(INSERTBREAKHERE!)

**Wrecking Crew**

Sakura sighed. Tenten couldn't see crap without her glasses, and so she kept randomly attacking the entirety of the training field, trying to hit Sakura and instead managing only to hinder her teammate. She needed extremely thick glasses, though, and they were a liability in combat.

How she managed to be terrifyingly accurate with the glasses on was a mystery, and not one Sakura was tempted to solve.

She still easily wadded through the many attacks thrown her way, while, through the corner of her eye, she watched as Lee and Neji, her teammate for this fight, found themselves in a stalemate. Neji's Jyuuken was completely and utterly useless against one who didn't use Chakra to begin with, but Neji's own considerable skill and familiarity with Lee allowed him to keep the other at bay.

She rushed to Neji's aid. "I don't need your aid, Haruno!" The older boy said.

Sakura clicked her tongue. "Of course you do, you pansy." She said, rolling her eyes as she drop kicked Lee before he could dodge. She was fast enough to present a threat to Lee. "I can't get close to Tenten, and even though she's slower and less accurate than Naruto, she's far more erratic with her throws. If we can divide her attention on the two of us, we can take her out." She informed Neji while Lee regained his bearings.

Neji grunted, conceding to her quick analysis of the battle. He himself had thought up a similar plan.

"Go from the front, I'll flank." He said, seeing Sakura nod.

And that was the end of it.

Shortly after Neji blocked Tenten's tenketsu, Lee tried to jump to his teammate's aid, but he only got himself double teamed to submission very quickly. While he could defeat either of them separately (though he wasn't entirely certain about his chances there, not without opening the gates anyway), he had no chance against the both of them.

Then again, both complimented each other perfectly. Sakura had a crapton of different styles and abilities that she could rely on, provided she had the necessary tools on hand, but most of them she had learnt specifically to counter another style. She even had the basics of the Jyuuken down, hampered as she was by the lack of a Byakugan, to counter the Goken.

"Excellent, everybody! All of your flames of youth are burning as brightly as ever!"

Gai's own flames seemed to give him a rather cheerful disposition that Sakura cherished amongst the many people she'd learned martial arts and crafts from.

"But next time, do try to prevent damage to the surrounding area."

All four of them blinked, Tenten now wearing her glasses, as they looked around. They'd begun their fight deep into one of the normal forests and somehow winded up in the shinobi residential area. Lee could punch hard enough to destroy concrete with ease, and it showed in the many craters and gouges left everywhere. There were also all sorts of weapons embedded everywhere, which Tenten had already begun to collect.

Sakura whistled, seeing how much they'd destroyed the landscape this time.

Absent mindedly, she noted that construction companies must be making a killing in Konoha, giving that they wrecked a district every Friday afternoon…

(INSERTBREAKHERE!)

**Aiming High**

"This is becoming less than amusing quickly, mongrel." Spoke the golden haired king, his red eyes narrowed. "Speak your words, before I lose my patience."

Sakura blinked. Naruto didn't seem to be in a good mood. Heck, he was scowling. Naruto rarely, if ever, scowled. Sasuke seemed to have noticed the discrepancy in the blond's behavior, as well, seeing as it was in their best interest to keep Naruto's occasional anger away from them. Neither of them wanted to be the next one to be at the receiving end of that red tornado thing.

The slimy man said something, but Sakura couldn't quite hear. It seemed that his words had finally tested the limit of Naruto's patience and he simply stomped his foot against the hard concrete floor of his office. "You dare stand before me and pretend that you can be in a league with me!? Your antics are not amusing and your proposal is moronic. Vacate my country, or be faced with immediate execution!"

The man began to shout obscenities at Naruto, something about how he'd regret crossing him, but neither of the other members of Team 7 was paying much in the way of attention.

Naruto's scowl did not fade until the man was outside of the castle, on his wagon and already speeding off into the horizon.

"You know, it's kinda odd to see you lose your cool like that." Sasuke remarked, crossing his arms and leaning against a wall.

"There is a particular kind of mongrel that I despise over the rest. Those with delusions of grandeur and power, those I wish to crush and ground into dust under my heel." Naruto admitted, his eyes closed and his tone serene. "Those who believe themselves above humanity… That is a contemptible existence."

Sakura raised an eyebrow. "Aren't you always going on and on about how you are the best like no one ever was? You're a hypocrite, then." She said, looking at him as if she had lost a great deal of respect for him. He wouldn't have cared, even if she had indeed lost a lot of respect for him.

"I never pretend to be beyond the reach of humanity." Naruto said, sitting behind his desk.

Sakura found an odd note in his voice, as if it pained him to admit as much. She knew that Naruto absolutely hated speaking of any weakness or flaw of his. And who didn't? It wasn't easy for one to speak of their own flaws easily. Yet Naruto's huge ego was probably making it even harder for him. Sakura knew he wasn't as otherworldly as he might appear to be at times, that he was still human, but still…

… She could never quite shake the odd feeling that Naruto gave her.

"Weren't you the one who said you'd become a god? That's well beyond the scope of humanity, right there." The Uchiha spoke, his tone bland and provoking at once.

"That is your belief, mongrel." Naruto said. "Who is to say that the gods are beyond us?" he said, turning around and looking out the window of his office. "Who is to say that those who believe themselves above us are invincible and undefeatable?"

"You didn't sound too convinced of a god's weakness when you used it as part of your boast." Sasuke continued, his tone as cruelly mocking as before.

Sakura smiled, then. "The whole idea of gods is stupid in the first place." She said, shrugging. She had beaten up a jerkass with delusions of godhood at age eight, and if all it took to be called a god was control over the world itself, then ninja could be considered gods in some culture. Then again, that incident was particularly special.

"Perhaps you are right." Naruto admitted. "The gods that exist now are unworthy of such a title."

"How are you so certain of the existence of gods, anyway?" Sasuke asked.

"I have personally met three." Naruto said. "None of which have earned enough of my respect to accept them as such."

"See? Just forget about the whole thing. It's pointless, anyway." Sakura said, shrugging. "I believe in your words, Naruto. There is nothing that is beyond the scope of humanity. It'd be hypocritical of me if I said anything other than that. After all, I've made a life thriving against expectations."

Sasuke laughed openly, then. "If it is so… Then I will demonstrate my own superiority to those so-called gods by stealing their divinity for myself." He said, offering the others a slightly sinister smile.

Sakura chuckled a little at Sasuke's declaration. "I once read about the legend of a warrior who trained until he was powerful enough to declare himself a god. None were powerful enough to strike him down from his throne until his natural death. If such a person can be declared a god, then I guess I can do the same. What do you say, Naruto?" she asked, turning to the blond, who seemed to be in a thinking pose.

"Those are pitiful ways of becoming divine." Naruto said, eyes closed.

"Then what do you suggest?" Sasuke asked.

"I will redefine the term." Naruto began, a smirk on his face as soon as he had paused for dramatic effect.

Sakura hummed in thought. "How about the pinnacle of mankind, then?"

"Sounds good." Sasuke said. "We will then be the ultimate masters of our arts."

"There's another legendary trio of ninja, you know?" Sakura asked, looking at the distant horizon out the same window Naruto was looking through. "They're called the 'Legendary Three Ninja'. We'll surpass their legend."

"Indeed." Naruto said. "We will stomp upon their pathetic records, then."

Sasuke and Sakura both looked at him for a few very long minutes. "It's rare for you to use 'we' and not 'I' when boasting." Sasuke remarked.

"Yeah." Sakura agreed. "You're not the kind of guy to share glory."

"Perhaps I am starting to think better of you, mongrels. The imitator and the thief…" He said, smirking. "Let it be so, then, let today be the day in which we set out to begin a legend that will transcend time. This legend shall not be forgotten."

There was a ripple in the air, and Naruto pulled out a strange greenish bottle filled with purplish-red liquid. He also pulled three crystal glasses, exquisite in their making, from the same ripple, setting them onto his desk.

"Those are the actual things, right?" Sakura asked, almost nervously.

"Indeed." Naruto admitted. "Be glad, mongrels, for you are seeing the true treasures and not the imitations I utilize on rabble."

"These things must be worth a fortune." Sasuke summarized, seeing the antiques for what they were.

"They are the treasures of the king and as such they are priceless." Naruto said, simply.

Sakura shrugged. She waited until Naruto uncorked the bottle and poured the liquid for each of them before he grabbed the glass he set in front of himself. "Let it be known, then, that the legend of the King that surpasses all other kings is born today." He said, raising his glass.

The pinkette smiled and nodded. "Then, the legend of the greatest martial artist to ever live is born today, as well." She said, meeting Naruto's glass.

The Uchiha snorted. "I will go along with this. It seems fun." He admitted, lifting his own glass. "Today, my legend, the legend of the Prince of Thieves, will begin!"

The three glasses met and clinked against each other, before their owners downed their contents.

In the office of the undisputed ruler of the Kingdom of Waves, in the capital, and only, city, was where the fate of the world had been decided by three twelve year old children, unknown to them.

* * *

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is chapter two.

As you might have guessed, this chapter is considerably shorter than the other one. That is actually rather simple. Chapter one was supposta be a one shot, originally. Then I wanted to do a more thorough fic. I originally kind of wanted to separate Chapter 1 in two parts. The bits with Kakashi complaining about his team would've been a prologue, and when the focus came onto Naruto, that's where chapter 1 would actually begin. That's why it's so bloody long.

It kinda flew out of my hands, really.

This is closer to my usual chapter length, 5000 words. Hope that's cleared up.

Anyway, here's a small look at things from Sakura's perspective, some more Team 7 bonding and we also find out who the Konoha Wrecking Crew is composed of. And yes, Neji is slightly influenced by Ryoga, Tenten by Mousse and Lee will start showing some traints from Shampoo later on. Here's a little spoiler, the only preset fights in the chunin exams I have already decided on are Sakura VS Lee and Naruto VS Gaara.

We also get a look at Sakura's life and, more importantly, her family. I want to know if I pulled that one off believably. As you might have guessed, Nodoka is obviously influenced by Saotome Nodoka. Not quite the same, but still quite similar.

Next would be a chapter that focuses on Sasuke and where exactly his differences stem from.


	3. The Eighty Brats Theater

**Chunin Exam Eve**

"Chunin exams?" asked Sasuke, raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah… It's rare for rookies to be nominated, but you guys are gonna steamroll the competition." Kakashi said, blandly.

"And you want us out of your hands as fast as possible." Sakura added, flatly. "We're kinda busy with our training right now, how long will this take?"

"Training?" Kakashi asked. "Need I remind you that you," he began, pointing at Sakura "Beat the everloving shit out of Zabuza," he said, turning to Sasuke "You're capable of picking the pockets of even Kage level shinobi and you" then he stopped, blinking as he looked at where the red eyed blond was doing pushups. As in, one-fingered push-ups. "… Well, I can't believe he's training even if I see it. Anyway, I don't even need to describe the kind of shit he pulls on a daily basis."

Naruto stopped and with a mighty push, sent himself back into a standing position. He smirked at Kakashi. "This kind of training is nigh useless for one such as I." He began, and then he removed his fine silk shirt, showing off his oddly tattooed chest. Kakashi was certain that the red lines drawn on him did not come from the Shiki Fuuin. "Regardless, I concur with your logic, it is unimaginably stupid to keep us as low level shinobi."

"Eh, it might just be a waste of time. It's not like we get more privileges as chunin, we just get more responsibilities." Sakura said, looking at Sasuke for his obviously incoming two cents (which he'd charge you four cents to hear sometimes).

"Chunin are allowed to actually pick missions on their own, of both C and B rank, and are assigned A rank missions in groups provided that they are judged capable of performing them." Sasuke explained, looking at Kakashi who nodded in confirmation. Nodding back, Sasuke continued. "In the long run, it'd be more lucrative, though we'd lose the time we're technically participating in the chunin exams and thus not active shinobi, because we wouldn't be able to take missions."

"That's a yes, then." Sakura summarized. "I'm sure we can make an exception about the whole missions thing so you can keep cheating people of their hard earned cash." She said, rolling her green eyes, flicking her braid so it was behind her shoulders where it should and then turning to the blond who looked to be meditating. "It's up to you, then. I'm fine with taking them, but you're the one who'll be kept here for whatever time we need to be to compete, and you're the ruler of Wave so you might not want to be forced to stay here in case something that needs your direct attention happens to come up."

"That's surprising foresight from a genin." A new voice entering the clearing that Team 7 went about training daily in spoke. The voice came from behind the trees that separated the place where the memorial stone rested from the rest of the world, as a person in white and red robes wandered in, the genin and jounin both gave their full attention to the Hokage. "But of course, not surprising from someone like you, Sakura-chan."

The pinkette smiled wryly. "I'm not known for being dumb, Hokage-sama." She said, smirking at the Hokage's amused smile.

"No, you're known for punching a phoenix god in the face and making him cry." The Hokage replied, suppressing a peal of laughter as he did so, clearly way too amused at remembering the event.

"He was asking for it." Sakura said, shrugging. "And he was no god."

"Ah? Would you happen to have a frame of comparison?" At this, Team 7 shared a moment of synchronicity and began to laugh. Hard. "Oh? I am most interested in the tale of such an event."

"They've got this idea in their mind about redefining the term of what a 'god' is." Kakashi informed Sarutobi Hiruzen, shrugging as he did so. "Considering what they plan to redefine it to, I'm not particularly interested in turning them off the idea."

"And what would that definition be, if you'd mind sharing?" Asked Sarutobi, raising an eyebrow.

"It's simple, really." Sasuke said, sounding completely at ease despite the fact that he was talking to the man who was technically his supreme boss.

"If the gods that exist now are a contemptible existence believing themselves above humanity not by the merit of their actions but by the circumstances of their birth, then they are not, by the definition of the King, gods." Naruto stated, red eyes focusing on the Hokage's own, causing the man to be impressed by the sheer intensity. "We shall dispose of and replace them."

"You plan to dispose of the gods?" Asked Sarutobi. "Hm. Well, this is interesting then. Why don't you start right now, then? I am considered the God of Shinobi. Am I then a contemptible existence to be eliminated?" He feigned hurt in his words, sounding as if he'd been stricken in the heart by an insensitive man.

Naruto sounded genuinely amused when he broke into laughter. Normally, when people laugh at such a time, it is sarcastic, not genuine like this. It was surprising, to say the least, to the God of Shinobi. "You are one of the reasons I hold this belief." Naruto said, crossing his arms.

"Yeah." Sakura stated, nodding. "It might seem like he pulls the things he says out of his ass, but he's got a surprisingly deep thought process when he bothers explaining it." Sakura said, shrugging. "It's a shame he tends to be wrong. A lot."

Sasuke laughed. "Being wrong doesn't seem to be a problem when you can rearrange reality so that you're right." He said, turning to Naruto and smiling.

"The rules don't apply to me, mongrels. I apply to the rules." Naruto explained, smirking and sounding greatly amused at the banter he shared with his teammates. Sarutobi smiled at the display of camaraderie in the team everybody said was the least likely to click.

"You still have not explained how I influenced you so, Naruto-dono." It felt kind of odd having to refer to Naruto that way, but then again, there was a pretty damn big possibility that Naruto would take over the world at some point, so it was best to get used to it.

"It's simple, really. You haven't got even a drop of divine blood in you. Your lineage cannot be traced to any of the supposedly great clans, you possess no particular bloodline and you possess no particular gift for any of the shinobi arts. Essentially, you're nothing special. A normal human being." Explained Naruto, gesturing with his hands towards where Sarutobi was increasingly more surprised at the rather quick jump to his family tree the conversation had taken. "And yet, through hard work and effort you have attained such power, such intelligence and such skill that you're recognized as the pinnacle of the ninja arts. You're called the god of shinobi because you represent the highest level of proficiency that can be achieved in their arts. Is that not a just reason to call someone a god? What does your birth mean in the face of your achievements?"

"See? Surprisingly deep when he wants to be." Sakura said, smiling at the way Naruto completely ignored her other than the almost unnoticeable twitch of his eyebrow.

"I am not the King of Wave because I was born as part of its royal family. I am not entitled to this world because I was born in a position in which that would be the most expected outcome." Naruto explained, as he accepted the shirt Sasuke had thrown him. He needed it dramatically flapping in the wind for effect, so he threw it on but left it unbuttoned. "I am the King of Wave because I offered them protection in exchange for subservience, and I am protecting them as they are one of my treasures. I am going to rule this world and subjugate it to my will because I wish to do so and I see no reason why I cannot achieve my goal. Being born in misery and poverty means nothing if I can rise beyond it through my own two hands. Should I not be proud of my own strength? Should I not put it to use?"

"And now you know why we're friends." Sasuke stated, shrugging. "This whole thing about doing things yourself without depending on someone else? That's kind of my clan's philosophy. Well, kind of like it, except not quite as stupid and unnecessarily violent."

"Yeah, but he's still sounding far more altruistic than he really is here." Sakura said. "Doesn't really convey the same message."

"Tche." Naruto said, rolling his eyes. "Is it not more evil to make someone reliant and thus dependent on oneself for defense than to teach someone to defend themselves? I do not believe in being pointlessly altruistic, in helping those who would not help themselves."

"I'm still puzzled by how you can go from building the Great Walls of Wave yourself stone by stone to chewing them out for asking you to help them with their other projects." Kakashi remarked, sounding slightly confused even as he said it.

"Well, that one's easy." Sakura admitted. "If he did everything for them, they'd just keep asking him to do everything for them and never learn to do anything themselves. It's like the fish story." Sakura explained, nodding to herself as she said it. "Though I still don't know why you built the wall in the first place."

"I was there." Sasuke stated. "He didn't build the wall." He said, looking completely deadpan. "He pulled it out of the ground. Yeah, I don't know how that works either."

"Doton jutsu, I'd imagine." The Hokage interjected.

"And you would be wrong." Naruto informed him. "What I do and how I do it is not pertinent to this conversation, in any case." He said with an air of finality that had even the Hokage impressed by how he could impose his authority oh so easily. "Why I did it is simple. It was necessary and it was urgent that it be done."

"Well, that makes enough sense, I guess." Kakashi said, shrugging. "Regardless, Hokage-sama, I imagine you didn't just come to chat?"

"I guess you could say I did, Kakashi-kun." Sarutobi said, smiling ruefully. "But my timing is the one thing that hasn't gone away with age, I suppose, for the chunin exams are exactly what I came to discuss. You see, you do not have an option in this matter. The declining level of the standard academy graduate coupled with an increasingly more worrisome lack of commitment amongst our forces have made the opinion of Konoha at large to lower, particularly on the noble circles and as you might understand, we cannot let this continue to be so."

"So you want us to make a statement in the chunin exams." Sakura summarized, raising an eyebrow.

"No, Sakura-chan." Hiruzen replied, shaking his head and offering her an amused smile. "I want you to completely and utterly destroy any rumor of Konoha's possible weakness during these Chunin Exams." The wizened old man spoke. "I understand that Kakashi has neglected your training during these past months, but I trust that your prowess as is will be enough to comfortably destroy any opposition. I could ask Naruto-dono to spread words of our good will, but then, they'd think him biased."

"I guess then the point is moot." Sasuke shook his head, looking at Naruto.

"You think me daft if you think I left my kingdom unprotected in my absence." Naruto said.

"Zabuza?" Sakura asked, raising an eyebrow. "Did he really stick around?"

"I still can't believe you got the Demon of the Bloody Mist to swear loyalty to you." Kakashi muttered, disbelief clear in his tone. "Seriously, how does one do that?"

"You might think him a heartless monster, but is it a monster one who does everything in his power to protect one's child?" Naruto asked, raising an eyebrow. "He was willing to serve and I needed a servant."

"You got him to swear absolute loyalty to you, Naruto. That just doesn't happen. Ever. That's the kind of thing Samurai do, not Ninja." Explained Kakashi, clearly finding the whole thing quite ridiculous, even as he spoke failing to believe something that to a ninja was just absurd.

Naruto merely smirked, that infuriating smirk of his that always caused everyone around him to want to punch him squarely in the face, turned around and walked away, buttoning up his shirt as he did. "Perhaps it takes a traitor to understand the value of loyalty?" Asked Naruto, looking at the group over his shoulder, stopping for but an instant to say his line and then continue.

Sarutobi merely shook his head, clearly amused with the genin's antics.

"Sometimes, I just think he's nuts." Sasuke said, shrugging. "Other times, I'm completely sure he's nuts."

Sakura smiled and let herself laugh a little. "It's a nice kind of crazy, though. Much better than when he's an annoying jerkass."

"Coming from you, that has to mean something." Retorted the Uchiha.

Sakura didn't look happy about it.

* * *

**Pride of a Conman**

It was rare for anyone to be allowed into the Uchiha Compound. The current clan head of the Uchiha, a boy no older than twelve by the name of Sasuke, had said that anyone caught wandering into the Uchiha compound unauthorized would be dealt with promptly and with extreme prejudice. When he'd been little, the backing of the Hokage had kept just about everyone but those with enough political, economical and social clout to be capable of being more than a passing annoyance to Sarutobi, and the boogeyman known as 'Itachi' kept the three people who COULD make a move on the Uchiha survivors away.

Sasuke absolutely hated his older brother. However, many people misinterpret the reason why the Uchiha Clan Head hated his elder brother. Indeed, most would think it was either the famous massacre that decimated the Uchiha clan (it was funny how it reduced a clan of eight hundred to eighty), or that it'd be the alleged torture that he'd managed to squeeze in while he was doing it through Genjutsu.

They'd be wrong.

Uchiha Sasuke loathed Uchiha Itachi because the latter had been an absolute idiot who couldn't think forward three steps. Most would then ask why the massacre didn't rate as high as the lack of foresight, at which point Sasuke would very easily counter with a very simple fact.

His clan was almost entirely populated by assholes. Even the ones that were seemingly nice at first glance were assholes when you looked a bit further down. Even the guy who sold those delicious dumplings was a price-gouging dick cheese. And Sasuke hated each and every single one of them. He hated his parents, too, because they'd gotten this stupid idea that their children would be driven to excel if they were pitted against each other and thus always spoke praises of the other in their presence.

The Uchiha Clan had only cared about power, and it was only hilarious that the strongest ninja they'd ever produced was the one who wiped them all out. Sasuke? He had a grander vision. He was not as short sighted as the morons who believed that strength was the only thing that mattered. The Uchiha Clan had been systematically driven into a corner because of their incredible ineptitude when it came to politics.

The village had seen it fitting to take advantage of the clan that had been half responsible for it, and if Sasuke spoke the truth, he would admit that he would've done the exact same thing in their position. He made a living out of cheating people out of their money, after all, and the entire reason the currently almost-extinct Uchiha Clan was still kept a float on a genin's mission pay was because Sasuke was a financial genius…

… and a conman of the highest caliber.

He'd sold bridges, he'd sold people their own homes, he'd convinced someone they had to pair an air tax, he actually charged people for using his tragic backstory as an inspirational speech and he'd somehow found a way to squeeze every concession and exemption that he could from the village.

He'd used that money to make investments, to purchase businesses and work them from the ground up, making them as efficient and productive as he possibly could, increasing their value astronomically and then sold them, conveniently failing to tell the buyer that the massive increase in productivity needed considerable micromanaging to maintain and that it was unlikely that they were as good as him at it.

They didn't ask and he wasn't willing to tell them on his own initiative.

And sometimes, he wondered if his effort was worth it. Maintaining such a large compound was not an easy task by any means, and being the clan head of a bunch of children who aren't yet mature enough to stop being selfish little shits long enough to think about the greater good was even harder. He was forced to depend on the massive amounts of income he kept flowing into his bank account to keep ANBU on retainer at all times to ensure his charges' safety.

There was always someone trying to kidnap an Uchiha to use as breeding stock. There was always someone trying to help the clan's extinction along. The kids' parents were no longer there to urge them to become shinobi, and if not enough of them completed their tenure at the academy for whatever reason, the Uchiha Clan would lose most of its privileges, and there was just no way Sasuke was gonna let shit like that fly.

So he'd made damn sure to hire nannies who were retired ninja. Luckily, they were still young enough to keep up with ninja children, which wasn't all that surprising given that ninja retired at age thirty… and while it was uncommon for them to survive to that age in most villages, in Konoha the life expectancy for a shinobi was a much more comfortable thirty five, which allowed many to retire before their lifestyle caught up to them.

Being able to trust your teammates with your life at all times helps.

Freaks of nature like the Third Hokage who lived past his sixth decade as an active duty shinobi notwithstanding, of course. Those tend to skew the charts.

The entire point of the exercise was to steer the children towards the shinobi lifestyle without them knowing he was doing so. Their nannies being able to help them with their academy problems without needing his interference was a bonus that he wouldn't deny.

It was common to see Sasuke, when he was in the clan compound, pouring over old documents trying to find ways to squeeze more benefit out of ancient deals that the Uchiha had mishandled terribly (the clan had a history of rampant stupidity in its leadership, up to and including the morons that thought that four hundred active duty shinobi, ninety percent of which were undertrained police chunin, would be able to face a village that could deploy no less than ten times that in a heartbeat and win) or otherwise trying his darnedest to make sure the clan's finances remained in black ink.

Therefore, that was the way that his teammates found him when they went to pick him up on the morning of the day they would attend the first round of the Chunin Exams.

Sakura had said nothing, most likely she already knew of what Sasuke did in his nonexistent free time. He couldn't care less what she thought about it, he had enough people bothering him about how he should delegate already. He did delegate. The unimportant side jobs that could be delegated.

Some things he just had to do himself, to make damn sure they were done right.

Naruto's response had been strange. He'd had a strange, almost frightening smile in his face. As if he'd just found something that was way more amusing than it should have been, and it was tearing him up inside to hold himself back from laughing. Which was damn rare, usually Naruto gave zero shits about hurting people's feelings. The thing he'd done the most during their time together at the academy was put his classmates down, after all.

He figured that Naruto was saving all the ribbing potential that this new bit of information he'd learned would give him, because he'd always seemed like the kind of dick who would do that. Even when he was being nice, Naruto was an absolute dick about it. It took talent to be a dick that way.

Sasuke rolled his eyes at his teammates' intrusion into his office and closed the book he was reading from, detailing a myriad old transactions that he had revised and archived. It never hurt to have another look, see if there was something you'd missed.

"Let's go." Sakura said, turning around and walking out.

"I've always wondered why you seem to be in financial trouble no matter how much money you steal, thief." Naruto stated, smirking. "Perhaps I misjudged you in thinking you incapable of properly managing your assets."

Well, wasn't that odd. He was admitting to one of his mistakes and doing so in a relatively non-dickish way. Every day can bring a surprise, but some just stretch disbelief too far to be anything other than a dream. Considering it was either to remain in blissful sleep or return to a reality where he'd have to put up with Naruto for the rest of the day, he decided he had time for a little nap.

Most insults rolled off him, some he took as compliments, but there was one thing he'd never let anyone insult, not even the blond jerkass.

Nobody fucked with Sasuke's ability to handle money.

He was the best there was at it, and don't you dare imply otherwise.

* * *

**They Grow So Fast**

Nobody had seen the two ninja going in. Even though Naruto had made it a point to stride calmly and confidently, nobody had been there to impede his way in. The way out, however, was totally different, as someone had noticed that their beloved 'Sasuke-niisan!' was going out accompanied by the two weirdest people they'd ever seen. Mostly because, given how they all looked similar, they were probably used to dark colors, mostly blacks, blues and leather browns, and thus the bright coloring of their hair was a complete novelty.

As was Naruto's impractical choice of dress, most likely, since his pants alone were probably worth more than their collective wardrobe. Naruto wore very fine clothing, after all (which only made it all that satisfying to tear them).

"Oh! Kiiroi-niisan! Kiiroi-niisan! You came back!"

Or maybe Naruto's ridiculously expensive clothing wasn't what had caught their attention. Suddenly, all eyes were upon Naruto, who seemed to be perfectly in his elements amidst a huge crowd of children that came in a wide range of sizes, ages and genders. None of them was above nine, however. Sasuke and Sakura were utterly and completely shocked when he just sat down and didn't mind the children's antics whatsoever. Considering that most of them seemed completely used to their presence…

"… Naruto what is this I don't even-" Sasuke began, shock impeding his usual calm tone.

"What?" He asked, raising an eyebrow and directing a red eye towards Sasuke. "I like children." He said, simply, shrugging.

"… Do you need a job? I could always use someone trustworthy to look after the brats when I'm busy." Sasuke said, clearly not caring at all about the shock that still kept Sakura frozen and instead jumping at the opportunity. Then again, he cursed himself when he realized that Naruto was already dropping in every once in a while anyway, for free. The blond would likely ask for some sort of ridiculous thing in return for his service.

Then again, there was one thing he was very likely to ask.

"A job?" Asked Naruto, sounding faintly amused by something. "There is an easier way to come under my protection, mongrel, you know this. My protection does not extend merely to threats of the violent kind. I had already a thought in mind to make this offer to you, after witnessing your ability to take over some tasks that I'd rather delegate."

Sasuke actually thought about this. Naruto had shown the ability to procure money out of nowhere. In fact, Naruto was filthy rich and never seemed to run out of money. He had a ridiculously nice penthouse to live in despite his salary as a genin along with mission pay being nowhere near enough to provide for such a place.

He had a live in maid who was training her son to become yet another one of his vassals.

And nevermind that he owned a country, too.

"You know what?" Sasuke began, smirking. "I might just accept it."

"Is that some sort of ability I need to find another counter to?" Sakura asked, suddenly. "Because seriously, I have learned more styles to counter you guys than I have actually learned for general use." She said, dryly.

Naruto laughed as one of the children finished telling him a rather long story of how the Uchiha Brats had managed to convince the populace of Konoha that the vengeful ghost of the Fourth Hokage was protecting them, ignoring Sakura which caused her to just roll her eyes at the sight.

"We have to hurry, or we'll be late." The pinkette informed.

"Though now I know where the soccer field came from." Sasuke admitted, referring to the Uchiha's private soccer field that had one day just appeared right the hell out of nowhere. Had caused a bit of an uproar about the Uchiha Children having future in architecture.

"By the way, how's Tazuna doing?" Asked Sakura.

"Well, he's still trying to map out the ridiculously intricate and complex array of pipes necessary to give the Uchiha houses indoor plumbing. We're remaking the compound from scratch since whoever made it was clearly drunk off their ass."

Then they turned to see as Naruto was, without a care in the world, playing tag with a bunch of children. "I still can't believe it, and I'm looking at it. I never thought I'd see Naruto reduce himself to this level."

"Well, he wasn't mean to Inari back in Wave, so I kinda suspected that he might have a soft spot for children." Sasuke said, shrugging. "Didn't think he was the 'Kiiroi-niisan' that the kids always spoke of."

"And you never investigated some stranger dropping in to play with the kids?" Sakura asked, raising a pink eyebrow and looking at Sasuke like she'd just lost a lot of respect for him.

"I have ANBU guards posted at key spots in the compound. If they can't figure out who's hostile and who isn't, then there is absolutely no chance that I would figure it out either." Sasuke stated, adjusting his brown jacket and patting a few pockets. "Anyway, I've got everything on me."

"Hey jackass, come on, we're going!" Sakura yelled.

Naruto proceeded to calm the protesting children like only someone far more used to dealing with them should be able to and Team 7 then parted towards the Academy Building, which was now used to host the Chunin Exams' first round.

* * *

**Foreign Ninja? In My Village? Preposterous!**

Kankuro was not having a good day. He was outside of Suna, so his reputation as an experienced and skilled puppeteer did not precede him. Nor did his reputation as the son of the Kazekage. He was in Konoha, where he was a non entity at best and a foreign ninja to most. At worst, and most annoying, he was 'that makeup wearing freak'. It made him want to gut each and every Konoha civilian he'd encountered.

How was it makeup? Seriously! It wasn't! It was war paint. If it were makeup, it'd be grossly misapplied and just tasteless in both color and design. Just because he painted his face to enhance the effect of one of his specialties, he had to deal with the annoying side effects. It was just something he'd have to put up with in order to employ his favored tactic.

If only he didn't need to paint his face to hide the tell-tale signs that would be obvious to a shinobi when he switched places with his puppet, he wouldn't need to put up with this bullshit.

He should have just done like Temari and gone for an specialization in something simpler, like elemental jutsu. Or poison. He was good with poison. But then, that lead him into puppetry, and the Honorable Sibling Chiyo had actually complimented him on his talent for puppetry once, which was such an once-in-a-lifetime event that he'd eventually made it his bread and butter. Even if he was, admittedly, nowhere near as good as the legendary Sasori of the Red Sands was at his age.

This day was particularly getting worse since a little kid had just crossed the line of his temper. He wasn't one to fly off the handle easily, but when an entire Hidden Village makes it a point to test his patience, well, there's only so much a man can take. The kid was obviously a bratty half pint who'd never been put in his place properly.

So when he'd called him Makeup Wearing Freak, twice in a row, Kankuro finally snapped. His hand shot towards the top of the kid's head and with a mighty pull, he'd lifted the kid, put him in a headlock and was in the process of giving him a harsh knockin' on the noggin', well, one or two, same difference. "Respect your elders you damn brat!" Kankuro spoke, voice dripping the anger accumulated from an entire day of putting up with conceited idiots.

"Kankuro, just let go of the kid." Temari said, rolling her eyes. "You just look like a moron doing that."

"Y-Yeah! Listen to the pretty lady!" The brown haired little boy yelled.

"Hey! Leave Konohamaru alone!" The orange haired girl that accompanied the brat yelled, getting nods of agreement from the boy with the runny nose next to her.

Kankuro just growled and tossed the kid carelessly. The brat landed on his feet, but he was unsteady and thus fell to his butt soon after, crying out in pain over it.

"Don't you know who I am!?" Konohamaru yelled, tears leaking out of his eyes.

"No, and I don't care brat. Get lost, now!" Kankuro was evidently quite upset at how the world seemed to be hell bent on making him its bitch for the day.

"Wow. Picking on kids, I hope you feel better about yourself." Came a sudden, clearly feminine voice.

"Cut him a break, Sakura. It's Konohamaru, you'd punch him too." Another, clearly amused but male voice interjected.

"Well, it's true." The first voice again, probably this Sakura person.

The attention of both Suna nin and the three kids snapped to the wall that separated the property behind it from the street. In it, a pink haired girl wearing what Kankuro had to admit was a pretty sensible choice of wear for a fighter and a boy who looked more like a thief than a ninja were seated, looking down on them.

"Oh, don't mind us, we're just enjoying the show." The boy stated, absent mindedly munching on a bag of chips that he'd pulled out of… somewhere Kankuro couldn't tell.

"Who are you guys?" Temari asked, sounding bored at best.

"Just genin heading to the exam. Though it makes me wonder why you two are on your own. Shouldn't you be, I dunno, accompanied by your sensei while in Konoha?"

"No, that's just when we aren't allied." Sasuke corrected her. He knew because he'd once asked why he never saw the foreign shinobi on their own, why they were always accompanied by adults and other things. "Anyway, we're going to the building you're supposed to go to. Come with us and we'll show you the way."

What he didn't tell them was that he would charge them for it, and take the payment without them realizing. He was a ninja, they lie a lot. This was why he loved foreign teams. They didn't know his reputation! Though it hadn't always been this easy. It wasn't anywhere near easy a few years back.

Back then, he wasn't good enough to pick the pockets of jounin, or sneak a con past them, so he'd had to try his hardest to isolate the foreign genin before robbing them blind. These days, he could bump into a jounin and steal his underwear, so it was a non issue. Female jounin underwear sold pretty well, though it was impressively hard to get.

Particularly considering Konoha's kunoichi had figured out that someone was stealing their underwear.

It might not be dignified, but it was lucrative, and that was all that mattered.

"We decline." A rather calm and slow voice spoke, startling everyone. "I trust that my siblings have not been making a nuisance of themselves."

"G-Gaara." Kankuro almost choked, seeing the face that was upon the new arrival's face. The boy had appeared in the middle of the street with a swirl of sand, an instant before his voice had been heard.

The redhead with teal eyes crossed his arms and glared at the two on the wall… or rather, he simply looked at them. The way his eyes were didn't seem to be a product of any conscious effort. That was just his normal face. Sasuke chuckled. "That's okay, then." He said, clearly unaffected by the intimidating aura that had all but his teammate edging away from the redhead.

All of a sudden, a wave of sheer terror seemed to wash over Gaara, whose face quickly morphed into a look of horror. "M-Mother is… afraid!? What… What could possibly frighten Mother!?" He mumbled to himself, frantic enough to forget to make it inaudible to all but himself, as he looked around.

There was a sound not unlike very expensive shoes hitting the street, a sound that was the only thing heard beside the sound of Gaara's sand shuffling madly. "It seems I have found a rabid raccoon." Spoke a calm, smooth voice. The blond haired boy that appeared from one of the ends of the small alley the entire exchange was taking place in was clearly something else.

It is rare for ninja to dress in expensive clothing. It is exceedingly rare for genin to do so. After all, ninja only spent a big deal of money on their clothes if they were absolutely sure that said clothes would be able to withstand combat. Usually, even when they were going for something fancy they never neglected the practical part.

It was just not a shinobi thing to do.

Unless you were either immensely arrogant or immensely powerful. You could only get away with dressing fancy if you were powerful enough to not make it a disadvantage.

Kankuro and Temari were instantly on guard, his ability to frighten Gaara just by his presence meant that they weren't dealing with an ordinary shinobi. If they had to make a guess, the kid probably had some sort of freakish bloodline. They both knew that Konoha was famous for them and for the famously messed up experiments Orochimaru conducted in the Leaf before he was unceremoniously kicked out.

Temari blinked, finding herself blushing at the sight of the blond's unbuttoned shirt of the finest silk. This wasn't natural. His body couldn't possibly be natural. Had to be a freakish experiment, because she was absolutely certain that she didn't like annoying, arrogant fucks like the kid in front of her seemed to be. She liked the cold, calm badass type, yeah, but the kid only marginally filled that part.

"W-Wh-Who are you… to frighten Mother like this…"

The boy laughed uproariously.

"He must be some sort of monster." Kankuro concluded, frightened of someone who could scare Gaara this easily.

"Monster? I am no monster. I am Uzumaki Naruto, you'd do well to remember it."

The blond boy walked past them, leaving all three of the Suna genin frozen to their spots. His team members shrugged and followed after him.

Kankuro realized he was sweating under the attention of the blond. For some reason, the mere thought of seeing him again frightened to his core, and a glance at Temari confirmed that she was feeling the same way.

If Konoha had these sorts of monsters as genin, then their invasion plan was even more ill advised than he originally thought…

"These chunin exams are gonna be really fun." Kankuro heard the pinkette say as the trio started to get too far to keep discerning their features perfectly.

"Lucrative, too." the black haired boy said, twirling something on his right hand. Something that was pink.

Minutes later, Temari would notice that someone had taken her underwear. When she saw a lecherous old man sniffing her panties in public. And of course, she beat him nearly to death with her fan.


	4. Wretches and Kings

**And now, for something completely different…**

Kakashi groaned. "Team 7 passed the first exam, thank god." He mumbled, slumping on the couch of the room that the jounin teachers of Konoha were lounging in. It was a very spacious room, intended for the teachers of the teams who'd passed the first round. Usually, these numbered in at least a dozen, sometimes two, but this time, there'd been only ten teams from Konoha that continued in the running.

Which was because they'd had a few crops of particularly pathetic genin lately. Luckily, the standards were coming up, recovering after they started to rush training, given the losses provoked by the Kyuubi.

The couch he sat on was shared by Kurenai and Asuma, both teachers of the rookies that had been entered of the exams. Unlike them, however, Kakashi did not fear for his genin's lives in the least. In fact, he was fearing they could cause a political shitstorm. After all, Naruto was technically the Daimyo of the Land of Waves, Sasuke was the Clan Head of the Uchiha Clan and Sakura's father had actually been in the running for Fourth Hokage (and later Godaime) before he'd suddenly gone rogue.

Comparatively, the other two rookie teams entered into the exams were much, much safer, as the Apex Predator in the forest was almost certainly Team 7 from Konoha.

Anko had barged in minutes earlier, ready to chew out Kakashi on producing the genin that had ruined her badass entrance, but she'd taken one look at the long suffering expression on the poor man's masked face and left without a word, running to the tower (there's always the freak team that makes it into the tower distressingly early, which if Kakashi knew his students right, would thankfully not be Team 7).

"Kakashi." A sudden voice shook the Elite Jounin out of his reverie, causing him to blink and turn to face Asuma and Kurenai, looking not unlike someone who'd just been brought out of depression but was still feeling the after effects.

"What?" He asked, snappily.

"What are the chances of Naruto flipping out?" Asked Kurenai, her tone carefully guarded. "I've heard that he doesn't like Hinata very much…" Which was funny, because the girl absolutely adored him. Adored him for the strength he radiated from every pore, for his confidence and his all around badassery. It was clear that Hinata held an idealized version of the cocky bastard in her head, but Kurenai wouldn't do anything to clear that given that it was pretty much the only thing that kept her going through tough training sometimes.

"I'd say that unless something REALLY pisses him off, like breaking one of his treasures, the chances are barely above zero, why?" Kakashi asked, tilting his head.

Of course it was a good kind of paranoia to be worried about Naruto flipping the fuck out, because if they'd had access to Kakashi's report on the Wave Mission, whatever it was that he'd done once Gato pissed him off had removed a lot of people from existence. It was very clear Naruto's 'treasures' held far more power than could be ascertained at first glance, and he made no secret of his willingness to use them on those who angered him.

"Because I'm kinda worried. Hinata is trying to become strong so Naruto will see her…" For some reason, the girl was more keen on Naruto recognizing her strength than her own goddamn family. "… But Naruto has proven stubborn and… well, he's an asshole, is what I'm saying."

"Yeah, well, he is." Kakashi said. "But even if Hinata really, really annoys him, he wouldn't get angry. Not really. Maybe a passing flicker of annoyance at best. Trust me, if you REALLY want to anger him, you need to go for the things he actually cares about. We've insulted him up and down and he doesn't seem to give a crap, but… Well, there's one sure fire way to piss him off."

"Well, that sounds interesting." Asuma admitted. "You said something about breaking his treasures… From what I saw when we went to the north, Naruto carries a lot of random weapons and jewelry around everywhere. Doesn't he know that he's risking them by doing that? Why take them to battle if you care so much about them?"

"The ones you see him use are Shadow Clone Copies." Kakashi explained, sighing and trying to forget about how stupid that sentence sounded. "I think I've seen him use the real thing only once and… I don't think I want to see something like that again."

"Kakashi, I saw him create a blizzard by waving a knife, throw weapons without using his hands or chakra and there's the whole thing about taking over a country in a day." Asuma said, deadpan. "What could you have possibly seen that was so terrifying?"

"I saw him use a weapon so terrible that it simply removed a miniature army from existence. They were just gone Asuma. One second they were there, then there was a red tornado coming from Naruto's weapon and then they were gone. The only thing that remained were unrecognizable chunks of flesh. And the most terrifying part about that? He did that without using the slightest drop from that thing's chakra."

"… Okay, that does sound scary." Kurenai admitted. "But even if he could do something like that, I assume it must have downsides. It can't possibly cost little chakra, and I'm guessing it's not easy to do in the heat of battle."

Kakashi shook his head. "I'm still not gonna cross him. He's a good kid, beneath all the jerkassery, but that doesn't mean I want to piss him off. Or be around him longer than necessary."

"You know, usually, jounin tend to become fond of their genin team, unless there was a huge mistake in team selection… I have to admit, this is the first time I've seen a jounin want to part with his genin team so much." Admitted a random jounin in the room.

"If you'd met Team 7, you'd be thinking the same."

* * *

**Going for a Joyride**

Kakashi's worst fears could not hope to come close to what had eventually happened.

"Why are we doing this, again?" Asked Sasuke, mildly annoyed as they trudged through the Forest of Things That Are Afraid Of Sakura.

Sakura shrugged. "It's great training." She said, as she punched a giant centipede in what passed for its head, sending it flying back to ground level. The thick branches of the Forest of Things That Are Afraid Of Sakura's trees happened to be both sturdy and big enough to serve as a second network of roads rather that the once-beaten paths that had been reclaimed by Nature.

The thick treetops prevented them from being seen from below, though it also limited sight of what happened down below.

Unlike his teammates, who'd taken to the safer tree route (the leeches, the main danger when you were above the trees, were visible from a mile away considering that they were usually the size of a grown man's torso), the golden haired, casually dressed Daimyo of Wave was casually strolling at ground level.

Sakura wasn't certain where he'd gotten the Tiger Skin coat he now wore, but it was quite stylish. Deciding that sticking to 'safety' was pointless when they could just destroy anything in their way anyway, Sakura dropped down, curiosity in her gaze. "Hey, Naruto, where did you get that coat?"

"I made it, mongrel." Naruto spoke, his tone leaving room for no argument. "As for where I obtained the materials to do so… A kilometer southwest of here used to live a family of these gigantic tigers."

"You know, if it were anyone else, I'd be calling bullshit on that." A sudden, bored and lazy drawl made them instantly turn their attention to where a boy whose hair was styled after a pineapple and his fat companion waltzed into the scene. "But somehow, I think I can buy that."

"It helps that we came across the remains." Chouji admitted. "Very nice work, by the way."

"Naruto, you can sew?" Sakura asked, raising an eyebrow.

"I have no weaknesses." Naruto informed her, looking absolutely smug about it. Sakura scoffed. She knew how to beat him if it came down to a fight, though she wasn't certain she could pull it off. Sure, she'd have to rely on his massive arrogance to bridge the gap between her skill and his natural abilities, but it'd more than do so if she played her hand well.

"Anyway, I knew there was no way you guys wouldn't see us as we passed along, so I thought we'd make this short. I don't want to fight you guys, and I know we can't beat you." Shikamaru explained, sounding absolutely uncaring about admitting his weakness in front of his peers. "So just take our scroll and go." He spoke, fishing for the scroll from the pouch Chouji carried it in.

"Shika! What are you doing!?" Ino snarled, jumping from behind the bush. "We were supposed to ambush them!" She yelled, planting her fists on her hips.

"Sasuke saw us coming a mile away." Shikamaru spoke, giving Ino a flat stare. "And I don't think I can hold both Naruto and Sakura long enough for Chouji to incapacitate them."

"But it could've worked! I just need to use my jutsu on Naruto and then we'll win!" Ino spoke, huffing.

"Oh? I am curious, mongrel. What is it you pretend to do to me? Do it, and I will show you your efforts would have been futile."

Sakura groaned. Naruto's massive ego would be the end of him… it would have already done him in, if he didn't have the insane power to back it up as he had. Plus, of course, all those wonderful toys he kept pulling out of his ass whenever he needed them. "I will not save your ass if it really puts you in trouble. And neither will Sasuke."

Everyone could've sworn they saw one of the bushes nod.

Ino grinned, then she began going through handsigns. "Shintenshin No Jutsu!" she yelled, and pointed the final handsign straight at Naruto.

Then Ino's body slumped, and Naruto's looked like a puppet for a second.

"Holy shit…" Naruto mumbled, raising his hands and looking at them as if it'd been the first time he saw them. "… Holy shit! I can't even begin to describe how this feels…"

"Ino?" Shikamaru asked.

"Ino!?" Sakura seemed utterly shocked. Apparently, it'd allowed her to wrestle control from Naruto. And she was now in full command of the blond's body.

"Yep!" Ino replied, giving what was probably the first non-cocky smirk Naruto's face had ever made. "You guys have seriously no idea what this feels like. I've been in the bodies of all sorts of people, and this is something else entirely." She explained, giving a few practice swings of Naruto's arms.

"Well, can't say I'll ever experience that. What does it feel like to be in the body of the strongest genin in this exam?" Shikamaru asked, raising an eyebrow. Curiosity had gotten past his laziness, and even Chouji was quite eager to hear Ino's words.

"I don't think I can explain it. Remember when you said that he's always holding back, Sakura?" Ino asked, looking at her oldest friend. "You have no idea how much he's holding back. I think he has more chakra in one of his fingers than I do in my entire body. Probably several times more than that, but I don't have full access to his body's capabilities." She said, continuing to move around.

Her knees bent and she prepared to leap. She gave the strongest push she could and suddenly, Naruto's body had cleared right through the treetops, going very well above the tree line of the Forest of Things That Are Afraid Of Sakura. And she was floating there. "Woah… this is just unbelievable! I can't believe he seriously has this much power!"

She then landed, feeling absolutely no pain whatsoever, and finding everyone had their jaws dropping to the floor as she cratered the ground suffering no ill effects. "Guys, right now I feel like I could beat every other team in this exam in ten minutes flat. Chouji, make a giant fist and punch me, I wanna try something!"

"But I will hurt your real body!" Chouji protested, looking oddly distressed. "And Naruto might be angry."

"I don't think he's pissed off… he seems amused, actually." Ino admitted. "And something tells me he's actually allowing me to do this. I don't know why, usually I don't feel what the possessed body's mind is thinking…" She admitted. "Anyway, come on!"

Chouji shrugged, pulled his arm back and with a whispered incantation made it grow to three times its size. Then he doubled that. "I'm sorry, Naruto!" Chouji yelled as he punched forward with all of his might…

… Only to very nearly break each and every bone in his hand when he felt like he'd just tried to punch his father when the latter was using the most powerful defensive jutsu of the Akimichi clan. Essentially, it was no different from a normal human punching a wall.

"Holy shit! Oh my god! This is unbelievable!" Ino gushed, as she pushed Chouji's fist back nearly effortlessly with Naruto's arm.

"Okay, so Naruto is stronger than I thought he was." Sakura said. "I already had a pretty damn big estimate of how strong he was, mind you. What about chakra?" Asked the pinkette.

"Well… I can't control his chakra worth crap. Daddy said that I need more experience to use someone else's body to that extent, but I don't think even he could use this much chakra." Then she went through a short series of handsigns and slammed Naruto's hands together. Nothing happened. "It's like trying to fill a cup by throwing the ocean at it. Plus it's really chaotic and hard to control…" She said, frowning. "Now, how do I access those toys of his..?"

Then they were silent for a few seconds.

"Okay, I'm not doing that." Ino said, and her original body shivered. "Let's just say he didn't take kindly to that question." She admitted, smiling sheepishly.

"I tire of your presence, Yamanaka. Return to your body." Naruto's voice suddenly cut through the calm forest, and Ino found herself looking at the other blond once again. "As you can see, I could have disrupted your jutsu whenever I so decided. I merely wished to let you feel the greatness of the King firsthand." He explained, rising his chin and looking down at Ino.

For a moment, it was as if the rest of the world didn't exist, and Ino found herself lost in the moment. Now she understood better than anyone, now she finally realized why Naruto was the way he was. She felt as if she lived in a world of cardboard after just a few seconds of sharing a body with him. She understood why his ego was so massive now…

… Compared to that feeling of omnipotence that simply having awareness of Naruto's body's physical properties brought, her current body felt pitifully weak, and it was distressing for Ino.

"Understand, now, how far beneath the King you are, Mongrel. Grab that feeling of weakness and hold onto it. Hold onto it tightly, for it is a sign of your humanity. That is fuel. It is the fuel you will use to feed yourself as you climb up. Understand your position now, so you may climb further up." The King spoke, arms crossing as the tiger skin cloak waved with the previously absent wind.

"Heh… You look pretty cool, you know?" Ino admitted.

Naruto's eyes narrowed for a second, before he threw his head back and laughed.

* * *

**Red Alert!**

Sakura blinked as she pulled her fist back, having accidentally pushed it through the massive beast's rib cage. Sasuke pocketed the valuables he'd nicked off the team they'd crossed.

Naruto had taken one look at them, and while his teammates had decided to spare the pathetic genin's lives, he'd stomped on the head of one of the downed boys and crushed it underfoot. He had pinned the other with a glare and, after he snapped his finger, a weapon had appeared from the vault he kept nowhere and speared the boy in the chest before exploding into smoke, the wound remaining very much real.

Then he had gone towards the red haired girl that had been frozen in terror and lifted her by the collar of her outfit, a rather loose fitted kimono shirt. Her feet could not touch the ground, though the shirt was dangerously close to slipping off. Naruto seemed completely bemused by something.

"You know, this doesn't seem like you." Sakura commented, crossing her arms. "They were defenseless and weak, there was no reason to kill them."

"Actually…" Sasuke began, looking at the red haired girl up and down, then gesturing at her clothes. "I'd say there was plenty of reason to kill them, and none to let them live."

"What do you mean?" Sakura asked, raising an eyebrow. "They were like twelve, I doubt that they had any of those urges, if that's what you're thinking."

"I'm not saying anything." Sasuke spoke, raising his hands. "Some people develop earlier than others."

"Where. Is. Your Key." Naruto snarled into her face, his face inches from her own, noses nearly meeting.

"M-M-My k-k-key!?" The girl nearly shouted, utterly terrified at staring down the boy who'd so easily and carelessly butchered her team.

"You are an Uzumaki. Where is your key!?" Naruto asked again, shaking her for good measure.

"I-I'm a-a-a w-w-what!?"

Naruto's expression softened as he let go of her collar, letting her fall on her butt. "I see, then… you do not even know…" He then seemed to fall into a pensive position, eyes closed. "I see you, and I see a disgrace to my blood. You who share the blood that runs through my veins, are but a pathetic, sniveling brat."

Proving his point, the red haired girl broke into tears at the rough handling, the shock of losing her teammates and being described as a disgrace to the family she'd never known she had.

"I will not let this stand. You cannot be allowed to share my blood in this sorry state."

Sasuke raised an eyebrow. "You could tell she was related to you at a glance?"

"Indeed." Naruto said, closing his eyes for a second. "It is unmistakable to me."

"His level of narcissism means he probably finds anything that shares his blood attractive." Sakura stated, shrugging and adopting a deadpan expression. "If he could look past his ego, anyway."

"Silence, mongrels!" Naruto snapped. "The blood we share calls out to me."

"What is this whole business about keys, anyway?" Sakura asked, crossing her arms and tapping her foot, showing her annoyance.

"Nothing you should concern yourself with." Naruto continued. "Silence, I am trying to decide what I shall do with this most grave insult upon me." He said, as he noticed the girl was trying to curl into a fetal position on the ground, trying not to be seen.

"Why don't you take her in? If you're so great as a king, you should be capable of turning her into a strong and driven woman, right?" Sakura asked. She knew that his ego would not allow him to let the challenge go by.

She didn't want to see the girl die. Her teammates, for all she cared about, could go die in a fire or something. But the red haired girl turned out to be a relative of her blond teammate's, and all the gods knew that she'd use every opportunity the girl brought to tease Naruto mercilessly about it later.

"Yes… yes, you are correct." Naruto said, nodding to himself. "You, girl, shall be instructed so you can achieve greatness. I will not let you insult me with your pitiful existence no longer."

"I'm still gonna have her watch the brats for me from time to time." Sasuke pointed out. "You can never waste someone who owes you a favor."

Naruto snorted. "Come, girl… I shall lead you to safety. But first of all… what is your name?"

"M-My name… is Karin." She said, fear tinting her every word and forcing her to speak the truth. She did not wish to risk angering this boy who could so easily choose her destiny now.

"Very well, then, Karin." Naruto said, offering her his hand. "If you take my hand, I cannot promise you safety. I cannot promise you there won't be pain. I can't promise you that there won't be suffering. What I can promise you, Karin, is glory. I can give you greatness. I can give you strength that you could only dream of."

Karin was taken aback by the sudden gesture.

"It is all within you. And the ultimate decision to bring it out is within you. So what will it be? Will you take the chance and risk everything in a gamble to obtain what your blood demands of you, or will you settle for mediocrity and await for an undignified death at the hands of wild animals? You must choose… but choose wisely, for never will you have a similar deal again."

There wasn't even a ghost of hesitation as Karin firmly grasped her… her only living family's hand.

Naruto's smile was warm and kind, and she felt as if she was in heaven merely from the sight.

And then she was out cold.

* * *

**Hunting Rabid Wereraccoons**

Fear was the only sensation the Suna Siblings shared. Never before had they found themselves in more synchronization as they had the moment that the freakishly strong Konoha team had wandered into the same clearing Gaara had just slaughtered a bunch of Ame genin in.

Temari had found the Leaf Genin hiding in the bushes too adorable to point out to Gaara. To her, they were baby ninja, beneath her notice. They likely wouldn't make it past the invasion, so she felt no need to hasten the coming of their demise come the third round. She could've killed the three of them before they even got a chance to react, her wind moved faster than most could move and even if the Hyuuga could see it coming with those eyes of her, she doubted the girl's ability to dodge a good blade of wind.

Kankuro had probably thought along the same lines, given his discreet glance to the bushes when she'd noticed the other three's presence. The Ame genin had been laughable at best, as they couldn't even utilize basic logic to determine that attacking the guy with the automatic sand shield using needles was pointless.

Their less than kind comments towards her and her brothers assured that any guilt she could have felt about ending their careers by not restraining Gaara when she could was gone before Gaara got to them.

The jinchuuriki of the Shukaku had been shaken since the exams had started. He seemed quiet, more so than usual, when he went about slaughtering the three teams they'd come across. In fact, he didn't seem to be in the mad glee he found himself in when he slaughtered people.

She was perturbed by that freakishly strong team as much as her brothers, but being older and more experienced, she knew very well how to deal with her fear. Kankuro was faring relatively well, having chosen to distract himself from the fear by dwelling on his hobby, maintaining his collection of puppets.

Gaara had never learned how to cope with fear, however. He had always relied on Shukaku to deal with the things he feared.

Except this time…

This time Shukaku was just as terrified as Gaara was. And that was what truly put Temari on edge. The boy had been perfectly lucid and in control of his emotions, unlike Gaara who could fly off the handle the moment someone used the wrong choice of words. The boy had seemed to be in complete control of himself, and it frightened Temari to think that something about him terrified Gaara, the monster of the desert.

"Well well, if it isn't the rabid raccoon himself." A low, clearly amused voice rang through the clearing that the Siblings had stopped in.

Temari's blood froze.

She couldn't move. She couldn't speak. The boy walked flanked by the black haired boy and pink haired girl that had accompanied him before. His very presence radiated power, seemed to glow with barely contained strength. He was confident in his stride and smirk, and she could practically feel the wind as it was suddenly grabbed and twisted, forced to become still.

But neither of them registered to Temari's senses. The two were powerful, they were strong, they were incredibly skilled…

… but their presence wasn't the same.

"You…" Gaara growled lowly, his eyes narrowing as he replaced his fear with growing and crazed anger, the emotions he defaulted to whenever he did not understand something.

"Yes. Me." The blond said, smiling widely. "I thought I had asked you to remember my name. It is rude of a mongrel not to obey its superiors." He said, spreading his hands and holding them away from each other as if he were holding something long and pointy in each of them. The air rippled, there was a flash of light, and suddenly the blond boy was holding a golden, curved blade on each hand. Temari noticed that after the flash of light receded, his white dress shirt was gone, revealing the sculpted chest and the red lines decorating it.

Incidentally, the lower half of his clothes had been replaced with the strangest armor she'd ever seen. It seemed like the field plates' of old lower half. The tiger skin coat he had hanging on his shoulders was now secured with a golden chain connected to the golden shoulder pads underneath it.

"You know what I came here for, little rabid raccoon." The boy spoke, his smile widening. "I am the strongest, and I will prove this to you."

"You will not deny my existence!" Gaara yelled, growling as insanity took over.

"I am not speaking to you, worm. You are beneath my notice, beneath even the mongrels that you surround yourself with." The golden haired boy spoke, losing the amused expression he'd worn until now, then moving so he could point one of his swords at Gaara. "I know you are in there, raccoon. Show yourself! The King commands you!"

Temari's eyes nearly bugged out of their sockets when Gaara let out a loud shriek of pain and the gourd he carried in his back exploded in a shower of sand. It quickly enveloped Gaara, not in the orb he used to protect himself while he went through the tedious process of drawing on his tailed beast's chakra, but in a much smaller shell, one that was distinctly humanoid.

And in a few seconds, it was gone in a swirl of sand, and a sandy-brown haired figure was there in Gaara's place. The figure wore a bemused expression that went with the tarnished plate of its armored coat. That couldn't have been Gaara, the eyes lacked that undercurrent of insanity that was everpresent in her brother's eyes..

No. Temari was certain that what she was looking at was the Shukaku itself in human form.

"I have not used this form in a few hundred years." The sandy blond spoke, cracking his neck and drawing a blade from the remaining mound of sand. A beautiful, golden and blue blade inscribed with runes that Temari couldn't decipher with her measly sealing knowledge. The sheer power radiated by the two figures made it so that she couldn't even look away from the two, as the pressure increased.

They'd let their chakra go unbound, and she could feel it already making her head hurt. It was power beyond her comprehension.

The other two were similarly powerful monsters, if they could stand there, nearly unaffected. Seriously, what the fuck was wrong with the genin of Konoha? Maybe the other three hadn't so much been failing at hiding as they were deliberately revealing their presence, goading the Suna team into a fight.

"I do believe it's been a very long time since we've seen each other face to face, Kurama." The Shukaku seemed completely at ease despite the building pressure, even as it casually held its golden sword with both hands. The wind screamed in pain as it was forced to bend and accommodate to the human-sized tailed beast's whims, shielding his sword from sight by covering it with sight-distorting wind.

Temari was suddenly feeling very inadequate as she saw the kind of power a real and true master of the wind element could achieve.

Naruto seemed unfazed, too, as he set himself in a stance that left him wide open to any attack. "My name is Uzumaki Naruto, mongrel! Remember it well, for it shall be engraved upon your soul!"

"So it is an upstart that challenges me!? What a joke! You think you can stand on the same level as me, brat!? You might have his power, but you cannot hold a candle to his greatness! I will show you your place in the world, maggot!" The suddenly enraged Shukaku spoke, taking what Temari could only guess was a battle stance.

Suddenly, both fighters blurred out of existence.

There was a shockwave, and everything went black for a second.

Temari saw the flashes of golden light, blurs of movement. She saw the wind rip and tear at itself, concealing the invisible blade that the Shukaku swung around with wild and careless abandon. She felt, more than she saw, as the two titanic powers found themselves locked in a struggle that made legends look positively puny by comparison.

It was then that Temari understood what mortals felt like when they stood in front of gods. She understood what it was like to stare at the level of power that such beings achieved.

The moment of her life in which she could finally see, for the first time in her life, just how utterly insignificant she was.

The forest was being rent apart by the clash of the great forces. Temari had been blown back and had hit a tree that had been toppled over seconds after. She saw the earth being torn asunder, she saw the mighty trees of the forest, trees that would've sustained no damage from her strongest wind blade, being ripped apart with careless ease.

She saw the Shukaku's blade slice through one of them from ten feet away. She saw the twin golden blades on the blond's hand becoming a storm of golden flashes, moving quicker with every slash.

She saw the Shukaku, a being that she knew to be powerful beyond measure, a being she had seen protect Gaara from anything and anyone who wished him harm and slaughter any that would threaten Gaara, fighting and unleashing all of its power at once. It was said that the Shukaku, the weakest of the tailed beasts, had created the massive canyon Sunagakure was emplaced in with one of its Bijuudama.

That freakishly strong power…

… Was nothing compared to the legendary feats of the Kyuubi.

The Kyuubi, which created a tsunami by hitting the ocean with its tails. The Kyuubi, which could swing its tails with enough strength to create hurricanes. The Kyuubi, which could plow through mountains. The Kyuubi, which had rearranged the landscape all over the continent, many, many times.

The Kyuubi, which had been kept by the Shodaime Hokage safely hidden within someone, was quite clearly just as loose as the Shukaku was inside Konoha.

The big difference?

Apparently, the Hokage had convinced it to work for Konoha.

Temari knew, right then and there, that the invasion would never come to fruition. It was just a ridiculous thought. Their trump card had been the Shukaku, they'd relied on its bloodlust to buy them this fight by sowing chaos and confusion in Konoha's ranks, dealing most of the wide-scale damage.

Given the fact that it was consistently being pushed back, Temari knew that they no longer stood a chance of conquering Konoha. They'd lose. Konoha would be pissed and they'd attack Suna. The Kyuubi would wipe out Suna with ease, as it was handling the Shukaku.

When the fighting stopped, for a brief lull of stillness, Temari could see the Shukaku's strained expression, contrasted with the confident smirk worn by the Kyuubi in human form. She had to do something. She had to run. She had to get the hell away.

"You're going nowhere." The pinkette stated, placing a hand on her shoulder the moment she tried to scamper away from the fight. "Your brother over there's spewing killer intent like he wants to off us all, and Naruto's kinda excited by this. If you move and he loses track of where you are, you'll end up as a red smear on the forest, sooner or later."

She heard the other one snort. "It just goes to show, the jackass really can't go more than ten minutes without stealing the spotlight."

Temari wondered just how they could be so casual at a time like this.

And then it was all over, the Shukaku was on the ground, broken beat and bruised, a series of holes in its armored coat as well as the flesh beneath it. It was bleeding onto the forest. Even now, it did not lose its expression of defiance.

* * *

**Wretches And Kings**

Naruto wanted to laugh. He really did. So he did. He threw his head back and let the manic cackles take over him, making his body spasm, shaking him to the core. Then he felt the exhilaration that his exertion brought, and he felt truly alive for a full second.

The world bent and kneeled, rolling over and playing dead for him. It followed his every whim as his chakra spread into the environment, flooding it, making it his, forcing it to go along with his will. His will, which was indomitable as befit of a king of his stature, found no challenge from the world as he jumped high into the air. It was well beyond the point where he needed to do something like this.

But this opponent had shown him a good time.

This opponent had provided him with an incredible fight. His muscles hurt, he was sore from having tried so hard. No matter how much the ninja arts challenged him, it was always a hollow challenge, as even the greatest and most difficult exercise was just that, and not a true opponent that would force him to go all out.

That was why his hands made the swords he held in his hand meet, handle first. "Let me show you, Shukaku, one of my greatest treasures! One I have kept with the hope that I would find someone worthy to use it upon! Feel glad, insolent mongrel, because you will be the first to learn of the true power of Enki!"

The bowstring appeared, the bow itself adjusted so that it could be properly used as such. A beam of light coalesced into a narrow shape, resembling an arrow, and he pulled the bowstring back, the beam of light following dutifully.

Runic shapes began to take form, circling the exact spot where his arrow would cross as it exited the bow's hold. Sheer power radiated from it, a power greater than anything that those below him had ever experienced. The power granted to him and him alone, the only person worthy of ever wielding Enki in battle.

"I got you, insufferable insolent whelp!" Shukaku yelled, quickly moving so that it could grab its sword in both hands.

With a mighty swing, a red and black beam erupted at the middle of the weapon's arc, discoloring the sky as it rose in a mighty column.

"BIJUUDAMA!" the tailed beast screamed, and the mighty beam collided with the airborne Naruto.

* * *

And then there were two! Yes, Naruto just got punked the same way Gilgamesh did in Prototype. Except he didn't get the time needed to start off Utnapishtism. Mostly because Shukaku is far more durable and recovers far quicker than Arthur did, and so it was able to Bijuudama Naruto far earlier than Arthur could Excaliblast Gil.

Naruto is close to CCC Gilgamesh. Who'd thunk it? I certainly didn't!

Ino gets a joyride on Naruto's body! Admittedly, I didn't do what I originally wanted to do, which was to show that despite any difficulties Naruto might have with chakra control exercises and actual jutsu, he's still got the strongest body out there. Kinda like Zetta. Powerful as fuck, skilled as a brick. An owner of many weapons, a master of few.

So... Karin will obviously be nothing like her canon self. Here, being an Uzumaki means a whole lot more than it did in canon.

The Shukaku? That's King Arthur from Fate Prototype! Yeah, let's see if you can guess which servant every Bijuu is! Hint: Shukaku got one of the strongest servants, despite being the weakest of the tailed beasts, so the servant that fits each tailed beast does not correspond to the tailed beast's powerlevel.

And yeah, the first thing to give Naruto a legitimate challenge, and even beat him, is a Tailed Beast. Don't worry, EVENTUALLY, I will explain why Naruto is so bloody powerful (hint: it has to do with what turned him into a Gil Lookalike in the first place!). And yeah, the tailed beasts will be SIGNIFICANTLY more powerful than they were in canon, well, the ones that have a host that either allows them to do what the Shukaku did to Gaara or have such crappy seals that the tailed beast can overpower the host's will anyway.


End file.
